I have 4 more hours of work then I have a 5 day weekend, YES YES YES! I can not wait. I will be spending time with family and friends, doing some entertaining and of course holiday barbecues. I will be a very good girl on my best behavior though because I have come WAY too far in this to screw it all up now over potato salad and ice cream. I will probably have a couple bites of potato salad though. I have never been good at completely depriving myself of certain foods, it always leads me into failure. I just eat the foods I like, but much less of them. I did start taking a broccoli salad to family get togethers so I can eat almost a full cup of that to be plenty full then just a sampling of my other faves that people bring (potato salad, baked beans, macaroni salad). There has always been watermelon which saves me from the cupcakes and cookies. I've been having burgers with no bun. It's simple decisions, really - but they fit well into the right equation that has got me this far.
I am writing out an exercise plan for the month of September. Vacation is getting closer, oh sweet sweet Vegas. Las Vegas is a LOT of freakin' walking though so I need to be prepared for that. I want to start doing 5-6 miles a day. I am always inspired by Gracie's walks! That girl is a rockstar, a nice long walk can really clear the mind. Time to step my game up! :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
She Is
She Is
She is a humble spirit, seeking validation
Believe.
Her roads traveled – plentiful with complication
She is a voluptuous beauty, so poetically stoic and solid
Dance.
Her kind wisdom leaves the most impoverished soul nourished
She is an imperfectly perfect being, desiring hope
Manifest.
Her mind’s fabric adorned with the lessons of old
She is a spit-fire tongue, disguised under introversion
Recoil.
Her sense of humor is threaded through every dimension
She is a damaged soul who owes the world nothing
Give.
Her compassion makes social justice the song she sings
She is a delicately strong dreamer, wanting balance
Contemplate.
Her nights spent in solitude – sheltered by distance
She is a despondent lover, grieving for honesty
Forgive.
Her broken heart reminds her that she is not worthy
She is a dangerous alternative to the brainwashed norm
Educate.
Her own raw human experience in a cold world does not allow her to conform
She is me.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
blogger is being dumb!
Rest assured people, I've been reading everyone's blogs and the final results for Slimmer This summer... but, Blogger is being dumb! It won't let me comment and then I found a couple new blogs and it won't let me follow them so I have to re-find them tomorrow. I will add a few comments tomorrow at work if this thing is cooperating. It keeps saying I don't have permission to view your blogs, haha I already read them just couldn't comment! And at this point, I BETTER have permission to view them. ;) Have a good night everyone. I am wiped out from the fasting, but still feeling on Cloud Nine... I'm loving how I feel about life right now.
Slimmer this Summer - Final Update!
August 22: 278
August 28: 273
June 6: 311......... What?! I lost 38 pounds this summer? My goal was 41 pounds, I wanted to get down to 270 and I thought that was really testing the limits of my strength, I came so close - I'm calling it SUCCESS! I would love for it to have said 272, because the lowest I remember being in the last few years was 273 - right where I am at today. I feel so alive! I am so happy right now I'm almost in tears because I can't believe it. I've also had an emotional month and a weekend of fasting, I ate for the first time a couple hours ago! I had the awesome watermelon-tomato salad, some spanish rice and a cup of coffee with creamer! I missed coffee a lot in just two days (maybe that's a problem ha). As far as completing the 48 hour fast, I feel strength beyond strength. I feel so empowered in my life and I love myself and my world a little more than I did two days ago. I have gained some perspective and can now remember what is important. I prayed and cried for those less fortunate who are in dark places in their life - I hope they can find strength too. I feel like I'm walking on sunshine right now and it's a great way to end this challenge as summer draws to an end. This all came at the perfect time.
The other goals of the challenge: water - always awesome at consuming enough; tracking - I totally suck at this and it is so helpful I am going to be more focused on it; exercise - it's not a 'chore' as much as it used to be, I am starting to enjoy it which is a darn good thing; 1 sweet a week - some weeks I've messed up but have usually kept to this; fried food one time a week - rarely if ever broke this guideline. I took measurements once during this challenge and will do it again this evening. I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes, when I sit on my couch or in my car. There's just more space and my body feels... better to me. I'm becoming a little more comfortable in my own skin. I love it.
To all of you other challengers - thank you! Thank you for the support, comments, stories, tips and motivation. You're all rock stars!!! Never ever give up on yourselves, keep the momentum going. I will be doing the Holiday Dress challenge, look for me there because I'm going to be super cute in a dress by New Years - ohhhh yeah!!! :)
August 28: 273
June 6: 311......... What?! I lost 38 pounds this summer? My goal was 41 pounds, I wanted to get down to 270 and I thought that was really testing the limits of my strength, I came so close - I'm calling it SUCCESS! I would love for it to have said 272, because the lowest I remember being in the last few years was 273 - right where I am at today. I feel so alive! I am so happy right now I'm almost in tears because I can't believe it. I've also had an emotional month and a weekend of fasting, I ate for the first time a couple hours ago! I had the awesome watermelon-tomato salad, some spanish rice and a cup of coffee with creamer! I missed coffee a lot in just two days (maybe that's a problem ha). As far as completing the 48 hour fast, I feel strength beyond strength. I feel so empowered in my life and I love myself and my world a little more than I did two days ago. I have gained some perspective and can now remember what is important. I prayed and cried for those less fortunate who are in dark places in their life - I hope they can find strength too. I feel like I'm walking on sunshine right now and it's a great way to end this challenge as summer draws to an end. This all came at the perfect time.
The other goals of the challenge: water - always awesome at consuming enough; tracking - I totally suck at this and it is so helpful I am going to be more focused on it; exercise - it's not a 'chore' as much as it used to be, I am starting to enjoy it which is a darn good thing; 1 sweet a week - some weeks I've messed up but have usually kept to this; fried food one time a week - rarely if ever broke this guideline. I took measurements once during this challenge and will do it again this evening. I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes, when I sit on my couch or in my car. There's just more space and my body feels... better to me. I'm becoming a little more comfortable in my own skin. I love it.
To all of you other challengers - thank you! Thank you for the support, comments, stories, tips and motivation. You're all rock stars!!! Never ever give up on yourselves, keep the momentum going. I will be doing the Holiday Dress challenge, look for me there because I'm going to be super cute in a dress by New Years - ohhhh yeah!!! :)
46 hours of fasting down, 2 to go
I had my last meal about 46 hours ago, I had a late lunch on Friday afternoon, and haven't eaten since. It is going well. I feel like I did so much mental housekeeping. I spent the time journaling, reading books, lying out in the sunshine, writing crazy random poems, and re-focusing my energy on me and all the positive and wonderful things I have going on for me in my life. Wow, the list is so much longer than I thought it would be! I love making lists and this one is a keeper!!!
As far as the hunger - it's still here. I really had no problem on Friday evening. I went for a walk and did a brief arm workout with dumb bells, nothing major. I read about 100 pages in a book and then around 8pm I started to get hungry. I drank a TON of filtered water, I mean gallons so no worries on hydration. I made a nice hot mug of vanilla spice herbal tea, read some more of my book and went to bed. I woke up on Saturday (yesterday) and was feeling strangely fine. I opened up all the windows to let fresh air in, I read and got on here to catch up reading on Hurricane Irene (I don't have cable so couldn't watch it on the news). I didn't really even get hungry until about 11am, I had a cup of tea for breakfast and another around 11. Usually I only allow 1 cup of tea in the AM and one in the PM when fasting; but I did away with those restrictions and drank hot herbal tea most of the time. Anyhow, on Saturday afternoon I turned my cell phone on to check messages and I had 4 from my Mother! She was at work (she works a man's job to pay her bills - she works with a road construction crew currently) and forgot to take a lunch. She asked if I could go to Subway and get her a sandwich and some soup. I wanted to say I was busy, but how could I leave my mother working out on a highway starving just because I chose to be? So, off to Subway I went and by then the hunger was very real, almost primal. It took everything I had to not order my own sandwich or eat some of her soup. LOL. I ordered her food and drove the 15 miles to take it to her on the highway and that was that.
That Subway trip threw my energy off for hours. I was hungry, I was pacing around my house and thought about giving up. I didn't really want to leave my house, drive, spend money or any of that during this weekend. I felt derailed, but realized I wasn't and had actually proved my commitment to this by not giving up when I was standing in line at the restaraunt. I said a little prayer to myself and remembered why I was doing this, to honor and feel suffering the way that other people in this world do. I re-focused.
Saturday evening and night were a breeze, I got hungry but just drank more tea and water, wrote more lists, read more books, did more mapping of my little world and where I am and want to be to try to find myself again. I felt great and slept well until about 5am and I woke up soooooooooooo hungry; that was 7 hours ago and I still haven't eaten. I don't feel weak or anything, I actually feel good. My stomach has stopped rumbling with hunger, it's like the feeling is there but it's in the background and I have focused on other things. In about an hour or two my friend is coming over and bringing me some of this salad . It's going to be delicious, light and sweet - I can't wait. I will just have some of that and dinner tonight is corn on the cob, watermelon, fresh tomatoes and maybe a yogurt. I'm keeping it simple.
I feel great. For anyone thinking about doing a fast, I would recommend it if there are no medical reasons that would cause you any harm. A 24-48 hour fast is simple. I think almost anyone can do it. It sucks, I thought about taking a bite out of my own arm, I thought about just sneaking a tomato or something - but that's not the point of what I was trying to accomplish. Who am I to have this abundance of food and the financial means to buy food, pay rent, etc.? I'm no better than anyone else in this world, things in my life have worked out and I have worked hard to achieve many goals - not everyone is given a chance though. I feel deeply for those in suffering, in poverty, in homelessness, in personal turmoil, in mental illness...... I'm thankful for the privelege to work with so many different people as a Social Worker. I'm thankful to have a warm bed to sleep in and I pray for the souls who do not have that. They're just as human as you and I. This has been a wonderful exercise in remembering that......
As far as the hunger - it's still here. I really had no problem on Friday evening. I went for a walk and did a brief arm workout with dumb bells, nothing major. I read about 100 pages in a book and then around 8pm I started to get hungry. I drank a TON of filtered water, I mean gallons so no worries on hydration. I made a nice hot mug of vanilla spice herbal tea, read some more of my book and went to bed. I woke up on Saturday (yesterday) and was feeling strangely fine. I opened up all the windows to let fresh air in, I read and got on here to catch up reading on Hurricane Irene (I don't have cable so couldn't watch it on the news). I didn't really even get hungry until about 11am, I had a cup of tea for breakfast and another around 11. Usually I only allow 1 cup of tea in the AM and one in the PM when fasting; but I did away with those restrictions and drank hot herbal tea most of the time. Anyhow, on Saturday afternoon I turned my cell phone on to check messages and I had 4 from my Mother! She was at work (she works a man's job to pay her bills - she works with a road construction crew currently) and forgot to take a lunch. She asked if I could go to Subway and get her a sandwich and some soup. I wanted to say I was busy, but how could I leave my mother working out on a highway starving just because I chose to be? So, off to Subway I went and by then the hunger was very real, almost primal. It took everything I had to not order my own sandwich or eat some of her soup. LOL. I ordered her food and drove the 15 miles to take it to her on the highway and that was that.
That Subway trip threw my energy off for hours. I was hungry, I was pacing around my house and thought about giving up. I didn't really want to leave my house, drive, spend money or any of that during this weekend. I felt derailed, but realized I wasn't and had actually proved my commitment to this by not giving up when I was standing in line at the restaraunt. I said a little prayer to myself and remembered why I was doing this, to honor and feel suffering the way that other people in this world do. I re-focused.
Saturday evening and night were a breeze, I got hungry but just drank more tea and water, wrote more lists, read more books, did more mapping of my little world and where I am and want to be to try to find myself again. I felt great and slept well until about 5am and I woke up soooooooooooo hungry; that was 7 hours ago and I still haven't eaten. I don't feel weak or anything, I actually feel good. My stomach has stopped rumbling with hunger, it's like the feeling is there but it's in the background and I have focused on other things. In about an hour or two my friend is coming over and bringing me some of this salad . It's going to be delicious, light and sweet - I can't wait. I will just have some of that and dinner tonight is corn on the cob, watermelon, fresh tomatoes and maybe a yogurt. I'm keeping it simple.
I feel great. For anyone thinking about doing a fast, I would recommend it if there are no medical reasons that would cause you any harm. A 24-48 hour fast is simple. I think almost anyone can do it. It sucks, I thought about taking a bite out of my own arm, I thought about just sneaking a tomato or something - but that's not the point of what I was trying to accomplish. Who am I to have this abundance of food and the financial means to buy food, pay rent, etc.? I'm no better than anyone else in this world, things in my life have worked out and I have worked hard to achieve many goals - not everyone is given a chance though. I feel deeply for those in suffering, in poverty, in homelessness, in personal turmoil, in mental illness...... I'm thankful for the privelege to work with so many different people as a Social Worker. I'm thankful to have a warm bed to sleep in and I pray for the souls who do not have that. They're just as human as you and I. This has been a wonderful exercise in remembering that......
Friday, August 26, 2011
This weekend: Fasting and Focus
I will be fasting this weekend. I will go to lunch here shortly and not eat again until Sunday afternoon. It will be about a 48 hour fast. I do this to remind myself of the things I am priveleged to have such as food, home, clothing, electricity, etc.. I also do it in remembrance of homeless people who died while suffering & starving. I have also been in a dark place and am emerging from that anew. I am looking forward to this and it is very much needed to re-focus my energy and restore some balance I've lost track of these last few weeks.
Other than that, things are well in my little corner of the world. Work is a bear! In two weeks that will subside and I can breathe again, looking forward to that. :)
Other than that, things are well in my little corner of the world. Work is a bear! In two weeks that will subside and I can breathe again, looking forward to that. :)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Vegas is so close, I can taste it!
Not much going on here other than the fact that I NEED a vacation soon, 7 weeks away is a LONG freakin' time. In reality, that time will fly by because work has my head spinning most days I am so busy. I am so NOT a numbers person. I went into social work to work with - PEOPLE! As a program director and having our new budget come in - numbers is all I see all freakin' day, at least for another two weeks.
Remember how being in the tanning bed would manage to relax me so much I would come home and do jack shit all evening? I solved that by doing the stand up tanning booth - no lying in my warm little cocoon of UV bulbs. It's not comfortable at all, the changing area is made for a Barbie doll (I barely fit in there - no joke), you stand up for the whole time (obviously) and it is so loud in there it sounds like a tornado is ripping through the joint. Yeah, so I do not come home relaxed, however the bulbs are more powerful which means more bang for my buck on the minutes used. I am getting tan! :) I don't even know what the urge was that I all of a sudden needed to do the tanning, but I am enjoying it so I'm not going to try to figure out the need. I like it, that's good enough sometimes!
I went to the grocery store and got some new stuff today! I got some almond milk, coconut milk, dark chocolate almond milk (1 single serving), different kinds of Greek yogurt (Taste test post to be coming in the next week after I try all 3), raw almonds, ground flax seed, steel cut oats, gluten free whole wheat crisp something or others, Special K cracker chips, Justin's almond butter & organic peanut butter, cinnamon almonds, Yogi tea, organic bars of some sort and.... 4 different bottles of wine. :) I got to go 'out of town' today, meaning I was in a real town with real stores like Wal-mart and a grocery store with more than 1.5 aisles! It was amazing. I didn't shop for nonsense, not one shirt, not a magazine - nothing. August is spend nothing month, but groceries are a necessity so yeah, I went a little crazy with it. I had a gift certificate to this awesome grocery store so I didn't feel guilty buying all this random organic stuff that I usually don't eat. Time to expand my taste buds and get shelf items since summer will eventually come to a close and I won't have the awesome selection of fruits and veggies that I do now.
I'm sweating like crazy as I just did the Biggest Loser last chance workout, some yoga, and random floor exercises to target core/abs (I'm sure there ARE abs under there, right?). This belly is still ginormica. Seriously. My boobs are smaller, my face is smaller, my thighs squish out less, my bat wings have less folds - but this belly wont' go away! I'm getting so depressed about it.
Remember how being in the tanning bed would manage to relax me so much I would come home and do jack shit all evening? I solved that by doing the stand up tanning booth - no lying in my warm little cocoon of UV bulbs. It's not comfortable at all, the changing area is made for a Barbie doll (I barely fit in there - no joke), you stand up for the whole time (obviously) and it is so loud in there it sounds like a tornado is ripping through the joint. Yeah, so I do not come home relaxed, however the bulbs are more powerful which means more bang for my buck on the minutes used. I am getting tan! :) I don't even know what the urge was that I all of a sudden needed to do the tanning, but I am enjoying it so I'm not going to try to figure out the need. I like it, that's good enough sometimes!
I went to the grocery store and got some new stuff today! I got some almond milk, coconut milk, dark chocolate almond milk (1 single serving), different kinds of Greek yogurt (Taste test post to be coming in the next week after I try all 3), raw almonds, ground flax seed, steel cut oats, gluten free whole wheat crisp something or others, Special K cracker chips, Justin's almond butter & organic peanut butter, cinnamon almonds, Yogi tea, organic bars of some sort and.... 4 different bottles of wine. :) I got to go 'out of town' today, meaning I was in a real town with real stores like Wal-mart and a grocery store with more than 1.5 aisles! It was amazing. I didn't shop for nonsense, not one shirt, not a magazine - nothing. August is spend nothing month, but groceries are a necessity so yeah, I went a little crazy with it. I had a gift certificate to this awesome grocery store so I didn't feel guilty buying all this random organic stuff that I usually don't eat. Time to expand my taste buds and get shelf items since summer will eventually come to a close and I won't have the awesome selection of fruits and veggies that I do now.
I'm sweating like crazy as I just did the Biggest Loser last chance workout, some yoga, and random floor exercises to target core/abs (I'm sure there ARE abs under there, right?). This belly is still ginormica. Seriously. My boobs are smaller, my face is smaller, my thighs squish out less, my bat wings have less folds - but this belly wont' go away! I'm getting so depressed about it.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
How do you center your energy in all of this?
I have been asking myself lately what I am really doing, what is the bigger picture in this weight loss. I don't think it's the process of weight loss itself, it is about figuring out who I am. I think my energy is just centered on living a life - a real life, a happy life.
I just have to figure out the factors of the equation that add up to a happy life; it's something I have never had before so I feel like I don't know where to start other than losing weight. I have been taking the time to study theology during this process. What is divine, what is a higher power, can there only be one? I think that my 'belief system' (I refuse to say I have a 'religion') is a... patchwork. Its pieces threaded together with different attributes of religions that speak to me with authenticity. It includes the teachings of my Native American ancestors, it includes the ten commandments of Christianity, it includes the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism in all of their evasive lucidity, it definitely includes karma, it includes the Golden Rule 'Do onto others as you would have done to you', it includes my own center of confidence that I have been trying to construct since my teenage years..... like I said - it's a patchwork. It may have frayed ends and pieces - but I am working to arrange it into a masterpiece, even if the beauty is only seen by me.
Other factors of the equation to happiness are even more difficult to detail. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. I can tell you that with 2 Bachelor of Arts degrees and 1 Master's degree; I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can tell you that after living in a different state for 5 years and moving 'home'; I don't feel like I am in my element here. I feel like an outsider to my own family sometimes. I miss my friends in other states more than I ever missed my family here - friends are the family we choose, not the ones we get stuck with.
I am not in an unhappy place per se, but I am in a phase of my life where I am seeking peace. It's not easy........
I just have to figure out the factors of the equation that add up to a happy life; it's something I have never had before so I feel like I don't know where to start other than losing weight. I have been taking the time to study theology during this process. What is divine, what is a higher power, can there only be one? I think that my 'belief system' (I refuse to say I have a 'religion') is a... patchwork. Its pieces threaded together with different attributes of religions that speak to me with authenticity. It includes the teachings of my Native American ancestors, it includes the ten commandments of Christianity, it includes the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism in all of their evasive lucidity, it definitely includes karma, it includes the Golden Rule 'Do onto others as you would have done to you', it includes my own center of confidence that I have been trying to construct since my teenage years..... like I said - it's a patchwork. It may have frayed ends and pieces - but I am working to arrange it into a masterpiece, even if the beauty is only seen by me.
Other factors of the equation to happiness are even more difficult to detail. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. I can tell you that with 2 Bachelor of Arts degrees and 1 Master's degree; I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can tell you that after living in a different state for 5 years and moving 'home'; I don't feel like I am in my element here. I feel like an outsider to my own family sometimes. I miss my friends in other states more than I ever missed my family here - friends are the family we choose, not the ones we get stuck with.
I am not in an unhappy place per se, but I am in a phase of my life where I am seeking peace. It's not easy........
Monday, August 22, 2011
Slimmer this Summer! 8/22/11
Last week's weight: 278
This week's weight: 278
What the fizzle?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I really don't know how it stayed the same. I checked yesterday and this morning - it was the same. I thought my scale was broke so put a 10 pound dumb bell on it and it registered an even 10 lbs. I tried again, the same. I tried this afternoon and it said I gained, so I guess I'll just report the 278 LOL. Afternoons are heavier, especially this one and I'll tell you why here in a minute. I'm not really upset about staying the same, just confused. I started at 311, so I am 33 pounds down which would be a 3 pound loss per week average - pretty good and even. Eh.... Could be worse?
So, today at work I sat on an interview team. 31 scheduled interviews for a position my agency needs to fill. I was told on Friday the admin would buy us lunch, I said ok what do they usually buy? The girl put her hand on my shoulder and said I wouldn't dare sabotage your trip to Vegas - I'll be kind and get Subway. I said ok, went to work with no snacks, no fruit, no lunch..... Lunch was brought in at 12 for our 20 minute break. Fried chicken, pepperoni pizza, Doritos, potato chips, and orange Sunkist soda. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I was starving, we had a very short break before our next interview got there and was a little stressed. I ate a chicken breast, piece of pizza and a handful of Doritos. I did stick to water, but at that point - did it really matter? I'll be working overtime on exercise this week to get back on track and finish the summer strong. I am also upset with the girl for saying it would be Subway then bringing in a heart attack on a plate.
This past week was good for food and exercise, I think I ate a few more carbs than I normally do and my water intake on Friday and Saturday wasn't as high as normal - probably causing it to get stuck at the same number of pounds as last Monday.
It's been one heck of a Monday and I"m thankful it's over. I hope you all had a better weigh in and day than I did!
This week's weight: 278
What the fizzle?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I really don't know how it stayed the same. I checked yesterday and this morning - it was the same. I thought my scale was broke so put a 10 pound dumb bell on it and it registered an even 10 lbs. I tried again, the same. I tried this afternoon and it said I gained, so I guess I'll just report the 278 LOL. Afternoons are heavier, especially this one and I'll tell you why here in a minute. I'm not really upset about staying the same, just confused. I started at 311, so I am 33 pounds down which would be a 3 pound loss per week average - pretty good and even. Eh.... Could be worse?
So, today at work I sat on an interview team. 31 scheduled interviews for a position my agency needs to fill. I was told on Friday the admin would buy us lunch, I said ok what do they usually buy? The girl put her hand on my shoulder and said I wouldn't dare sabotage your trip to Vegas - I'll be kind and get Subway. I said ok, went to work with no snacks, no fruit, no lunch..... Lunch was brought in at 12 for our 20 minute break. Fried chicken, pepperoni pizza, Doritos, potato chips, and orange Sunkist soda. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I was starving, we had a very short break before our next interview got there and was a little stressed. I ate a chicken breast, piece of pizza and a handful of Doritos. I did stick to water, but at that point - did it really matter? I'll be working overtime on exercise this week to get back on track and finish the summer strong. I am also upset with the girl for saying it would be Subway then bringing in a heart attack on a plate.
This past week was good for food and exercise, I think I ate a few more carbs than I normally do and my water intake on Friday and Saturday wasn't as high as normal - probably causing it to get stuck at the same number of pounds as last Monday.
It's been one heck of a Monday and I"m thankful it's over. I hope you all had a better weigh in and day than I did!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Favorite Songs for Exercise
1. Walk by Pantera Best.Song.Ever.Made.
2. Stronger by Kanye West I don't even like Kanye, but I like this song?
3. Grinfucked by Devil Driver
4. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin I will not fall, I will not fade. I will take your breath away. <Love the lyrics
5. Megalomaniac by Incubus Always a feel good song, reminds me of my university days! ;)
6. Through Tomorrow by Seasons After This song is awesome and this is an up and coming metal band from Wichita, KS. I have seen them live MANY times on their way to the top and they put on one hell of a show. The lyrics to this are awesome, can definitely be related to weight loss or any other goals in life.
7. Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch
8. Teeth by Lady Gaga She is just awesome, love her songs - great beat.
9. Run This Town by Jay-Z ft. Rihanna
10. Set it Off by Audioslave
11. All my Life by the Foo Fighters Lyrics are awesome.... The music is brutal, really gets you going!
12. Blame It by Jamie Foxx Such a cute, feel good song with a fun beat. I always 'blame it on the goose!' because I love Grey Goose vodka mixed with almost anything!
13. Hail Hail by Pearl Jam A day is not complete without a little PJ, right? LOVE them!
14. Spoonman by Soundgarden This song kicks ass. It has an awesome story behind it too, check-check-check it out.
15. I'm Not Jesus by Apocalyptica Hard, awesome, loud, blood-pumping song. Not as heavy as my songs usually are, but a darn good start to any routine!! ;)
16. The Good Life by 3 Days Grace All I need is a little of the good life, all I need... is to have a good time!
17. Sugar by System of a Down Best.Music.Video. Serj is brilliant, as usual. Some people say weird, I say edgy and thought-provoking. Bring it on, as well as artist M.I.A.
18. Life is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.
19. What I Got by Sublime One of my all-time top ten songs. It's just a feel good, sweet song.
20. Judith by A Perfect Circle APC rocks my f*ckin face off
21. Forty Six & 2 by TOOL Hard, kick-ass, love it!
22. Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine 'and now you do what they told ya....'
23. On to the Next One by Jay-Z Jay-Z is a lyrical genius.
24. Shake that by Eminem ft. Nate Dogg People are always surprised that I listen to Eminem, I enjoy his music though!
25. So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold This is not hard and heavy either, and often times makes me cry. LOL. I love to listen to it though, all the time and especially when I'm walking and thinking about something. This will be a keeper and has moved up to my top 10 of all time faves. I love it.....
26. Cowboys from Hell by Pantera Life just isn't right with only a single Pantera song (see #1) ;) Greatest.Band.Ever.
Can you tell I'm a rock-metal chick or what? ;)
2. Stronger by Kanye West I don't even like Kanye, but I like this song?
3. Grinfucked by Devil Driver
4. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin I will not fall, I will not fade. I will take your breath away. <Love the lyrics
5. Megalomaniac by Incubus Always a feel good song, reminds me of my university days! ;)
6. Through Tomorrow by Seasons After This song is awesome and this is an up and coming metal band from Wichita, KS. I have seen them live MANY times on their way to the top and they put on one hell of a show. The lyrics to this are awesome, can definitely be related to weight loss or any other goals in life.
7. Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch
8. Teeth by Lady Gaga She is just awesome, love her songs - great beat.
9. Run This Town by Jay-Z ft. Rihanna
10. Set it Off by Audioslave
11. All my Life by the Foo Fighters Lyrics are awesome.... The music is brutal, really gets you going!
12. Blame It by Jamie Foxx Such a cute, feel good song with a fun beat. I always 'blame it on the goose!' because I love Grey Goose vodka mixed with almost anything!
13. Hail Hail by Pearl Jam A day is not complete without a little PJ, right? LOVE them!
14. Spoonman by Soundgarden This song kicks ass. It has an awesome story behind it too, check-check-check it out.
15. I'm Not Jesus by Apocalyptica Hard, awesome, loud, blood-pumping song. Not as heavy as my songs usually are, but a darn good start to any routine!! ;)
16. The Good Life by 3 Days Grace All I need is a little of the good life, all I need... is to have a good time!
17. Sugar by System of a Down Best.Music.Video. Serj is brilliant, as usual. Some people say weird, I say edgy and thought-provoking. Bring it on, as well as artist M.I.A.
18. Life is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.
19. What I Got by Sublime One of my all-time top ten songs. It's just a feel good, sweet song.
20. Judith by A Perfect Circle APC rocks my f*ckin face off
21. Forty Six & 2 by TOOL Hard, kick-ass, love it!
22. Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine 'and now you do what they told ya....'
23. On to the Next One by Jay-Z Jay-Z is a lyrical genius.
24. Shake that by Eminem ft. Nate Dogg People are always surprised that I listen to Eminem, I enjoy his music though!
25. So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold This is not hard and heavy either, and often times makes me cry. LOL. I love to listen to it though, all the time and especially when I'm walking and thinking about something. This will be a keeper and has moved up to my top 10 of all time faves. I love it.....
26. Cowboys from Hell by Pantera Life just isn't right with only a single Pantera song (see #1) ;) Greatest.Band.Ever.
Can you tell I'm a rock-metal chick or what? ;)
Friday, August 19, 2011
Do you ever fast?
Every once in a while, I'd say 2-3 times a year, I fast for a weekend. I eat lunch on Friday then don't eat again until Sunday afternoon. I do this as a way to re-center my energy. I let the feeling of hunger remind me of the priveleges I have in life such as food, a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, clothes, furniture, a car. I am a social worker and have worked with the homeless population many times. National Homelessness and Hunger Awareness week is always..... the week before? (maybe after) Thanksgiving in November. I always fast that weekend. I do drink plenty of water while fasting and allow myself 1 mug of herbal tea each morning and night. I originally allowed for black coffee, but it's very acidic and sometimes made me feel worse. I think I am getting close to doing a fast again in the next couple weekends. I need to find the balance and humility I find in it. Not sure what exercise I will do while fasting, maybe just walking. I don't think it will be this weekend as it is already jam-packed with stuff to do, but perhaps I will gear myself up for next. It always takes some time to get ready for it mentally because it's tough. I do a lot of writing, etc. I always end up losing some weight the week or so afterwards and just feeling better all the way around even though during the couple days of no eating I feel tired and hungry. In the end, it's always worth it and I feel strength beyond strength. :) Will keep you posted!
Does anyone else fast for any reason? My reason is social justice and personal humility. I had a major argument with a friend who said my fasting was because of 'political reasons'. Bullshit. :)
Does anyone else fast for any reason? My reason is social justice and personal humility. I had a major argument with a friend who said my fasting was because of 'political reasons'. Bullshit. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Slimmer this Summer Update
Last week's weight: 279
Today: 278
One pound down, but I'm happy about it. Last week was 6 which was crazy and almost unbelievable. I feel like I had just lost some TOM from the week before with that 6 lb number. Now being 7 pounds down in 2 weeks, that makes a lot more sense to me. I had some total screw-up days, posted earlier this week. Those days come and go, the goal is to just have much less of them and more of the committed days until the strong days are the ONLY days!
I have also been in an ugly & chaotic place emotionally, but that is subsiding and I'm just recognizing how strong I really am. Putting the past in the past and leaving it there is a tough one for me, always has been. I think overall my fear is being single for the rest of my natural life. I know that will not be the case and you have all left some wonderfully supportive comments, for which I have been grateful.
I also had a doctor's appointment on Thursday August 4th that I never posted about. He was impressed with the weight lost so far and gave me some resources in this tiny town I live in that I didn't know about (new resident). My blood pressure was 'perfect' according to the nurse. Lab work results indicated that I have high triglycerides, whatever that is. I need to do some research. Like I stated in my last post, I suck at researching what I need to for this weight loss journey. Other lab work tests were good: no chance I'm diabetic or pre-diabetic, those levels were great. My CBC (complete blood count) was good, hemoglobin was 10.2. That would be somewhat low for anyone else, but I have always had issues with that and anything over a 10 is good for me. It's very good when they don't throw me into a hospital bed for a blood transfusion (I've had several throughout my life). Cholesterol levels were all okay, both the 'good' and the 'bad' kind.
This week's goals:
Just do it. Make the healthy habits of fresh food and exercise the norm. Keep believing in myself. Keep a positive outlook. BL Last Chance workout DVD. Compliment someone each day at work or home. Bring my lunch to work every day this week! Live, love, laugh.... :) Simple goals, really - just takes hard work and sweat to pull them off, I'm ready! :)
Today: 278
One pound down, but I'm happy about it. Last week was 6 which was crazy and almost unbelievable. I feel like I had just lost some TOM from the week before with that 6 lb number. Now being 7 pounds down in 2 weeks, that makes a lot more sense to me. I had some total screw-up days, posted earlier this week. Those days come and go, the goal is to just have much less of them and more of the committed days until the strong days are the ONLY days!
I have also been in an ugly & chaotic place emotionally, but that is subsiding and I'm just recognizing how strong I really am. Putting the past in the past and leaving it there is a tough one for me, always has been. I think overall my fear is being single for the rest of my natural life. I know that will not be the case and you have all left some wonderfully supportive comments, for which I have been grateful.
I also had a doctor's appointment on Thursday August 4th that I never posted about. He was impressed with the weight lost so far and gave me some resources in this tiny town I live in that I didn't know about (new resident). My blood pressure was 'perfect' according to the nurse. Lab work results indicated that I have high triglycerides, whatever that is. I need to do some research. Like I stated in my last post, I suck at researching what I need to for this weight loss journey. Other lab work tests were good: no chance I'm diabetic or pre-diabetic, those levels were great. My CBC (complete blood count) was good, hemoglobin was 10.2. That would be somewhat low for anyone else, but I have always had issues with that and anything over a 10 is good for me. It's very good when they don't throw me into a hospital bed for a blood transfusion (I've had several throughout my life). Cholesterol levels were all okay, both the 'good' and the 'bad' kind.
This week's goals:
Just do it. Make the healthy habits of fresh food and exercise the norm. Keep believing in myself. Keep a positive outlook. BL Last Chance workout DVD. Compliment someone each day at work or home. Bring my lunch to work every day this week! Live, love, laugh.... :) Simple goals, really - just takes hard work and sweat to pull them off, I'm ready! :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Accept Success and a Thank you :)
I have been reading the blogs I follow and it seems like quite a few of us were having some less than stellar days. Quit waiting around for a day to start doing right, just do it now. If you want to use today as the day, do it - it's Sunday, fresh new week. Go from there that's fine if it makes you feel better. But, even if you screw up big time at lunch and have a Big Mac, you can still have a grilled chicken salad for supper - you don't have to go get a Whopper just because your day is already shot. I have been guilty of this so many times. We know that this journey isn't one huge decision and everything changes right freakin' now because that's the only way to success - no carbs, no fat, work out 3 hours a day, no soda, etc.. It's small gradual changes; a drastic disrupt to the norm is actually a set-up for a train wreck. We're going to totally 'screw up' some days - I had two craptastic days this week because I let myself get into that old mentality that 'well, today is already a wash so I'm just going to sit right here on this couch and do nothing then eat some fried chicken strips, fried cream cheese jalapeno poppers, and a strawberry cake'. It's pointless and very self-defeating. That's what our old gravy covered minds what us to think and do; stop the BS! Quit setting yourself up for failure, stop accepting the fear of change, discomfort, failure, ridicule or other negative thoughts. Accept every small change and good decision as a step towards absolute achievement of your goals. I always write on people's blogs "You are worth it, never forget that"; as you're reading this you can probably remember me saying that to you at some point. It's something I have been hammering into my own brain for months now and it's FINALLY starting to sink in. Our fears hold us back by keeping our failures close and our belief in success distant.
I have been working a lot on sorting out the processes of my mind, changing my mind's schematic is how I define it. I am learning that food is fuel, not a friend. Practicing the fact that this isn't about 1 big overhaul, it's a ton of small changes and good decisions. I have to become comfortable doing what is uncomfortable - exercise, sweat, squats, bird-dogs, etc.. Trying to remember that this ice cream will never taste as good as 3 pounds down will feel. I am working on the inside right now and its ten times harder than the physical workouts.
I want to tell you that that's where many of you come in. I can set my mind right, but the truth is I haven't done a lot of the research that you all have. I don't even know how to set realistic goals for losing during a week. I didn't even know how to count calories and I sucked at remembering every little thing I ate - I've been introduced to so many new ideas, articles, links, quotes, evidence, etc. from reading your blogs. I need to spend some of my own time doing research into these things, but so far - your articles, progress posts, and notes have been a big part of my success thus far and I want to thank you! So many of you have already come so far and when I take a glance at your blog, at your weight loss tickers - I am just amazed. I get the confidence that "I can do this too!", based on your personal stories and the strategies & links you add to your posts. Kudos to you all for that. It's a great feeling to know you're not alone.
I have been working a lot on sorting out the processes of my mind, changing my mind's schematic is how I define it. I am learning that food is fuel, not a friend. Practicing the fact that this isn't about 1 big overhaul, it's a ton of small changes and good decisions. I have to become comfortable doing what is uncomfortable - exercise, sweat, squats, bird-dogs, etc.. Trying to remember that this ice cream will never taste as good as 3 pounds down will feel. I am working on the inside right now and its ten times harder than the physical workouts.
I want to tell you that that's where many of you come in. I can set my mind right, but the truth is I haven't done a lot of the research that you all have. I don't even know how to set realistic goals for losing during a week. I didn't even know how to count calories and I sucked at remembering every little thing I ate - I've been introduced to so many new ideas, articles, links, quotes, evidence, etc. from reading your blogs. I need to spend some of my own time doing research into these things, but so far - your articles, progress posts, and notes have been a big part of my success thus far and I want to thank you! So many of you have already come so far and when I take a glance at your blog, at your weight loss tickers - I am just amazed. I get the confidence that "I can do this too!", based on your personal stories and the strategies & links you add to your posts. Kudos to you all for that. It's a great feeling to know you're not alone.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Good start to the day/weekend
Walk 2 miles at 5am, yes please. Do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred at 6am, yes please. Portion out delicious snacks/meals for Saturday and Sunday (mostly fruits and vegetables), yes please. It's 8:35am and I have already consumed 64 ounces of water, Yes please! I am just now having my coffee after all of that, which is a first. I think I just figured get up and get out the darn door before I waste another day!
Wednesday and Thursday were weird-tough days. Yesterday was so/so. Now, back in the saddle and ready to move forward. I wasn't even that mad at myself or depressed about being so lazy on Weds-Thurs, I just couldn't figure out why my commitment just dropped off a cliff out of the blue. This will sound dumb, but I think it had to do with the fact that I went tanning right after work. I love being in the tanning bed, it's like a little warm cocoon. I also love the smell of my tanning lotion - it freakin' rocks. "Incredibly Black" in the purple bottle with the skull and crossbones on it.... anyhow, yeah. I would go to the tanning salon, come home, sit on the couch, and just be way too relaxed to function. So, I think I need to remember that I think it may have been partially triggered by that and not do it again. (It's unfair I have to tan anyhow, considering I am Native American but got skipped by the natural tan genes.... It's also August, I should be tan enough from being outside - but my new job is a bear and I work ALL the time!) Ridiculous, I know - but I do think the tanning was part of the problem and it was the only thing that changed about my routine - who would have thought.......
I am making lasagna for my family tonight. I am going to just eat a 1/2 cup of the meat-tomato sauce and a big salad. I have no problem skipping the pasta and cheese - it makes me feel bla and go into a food coma anyhow. I am making strawberry-spinach salad, which is one of my all time favorite salads. It's full of flavor, texture, and wonderful presentation. I am also making this Pineapple Angel Food Cake posted by Alissa over at A Journey to Thin. I can't wait to try it!
Like I have stated before, food is a big thing in our family - for every occasion. Tomorrow we are planning to go to Sunday brunch - I haven't been to Sunday brunch in about a year. It's at this wonderful restaurant. I will admit, I'm a little worried. I will be thinking about how my 'strategy'. Sit in the car maybe? ;)
Wednesday and Thursday were weird-tough days. Yesterday was so/so. Now, back in the saddle and ready to move forward. I wasn't even that mad at myself or depressed about being so lazy on Weds-Thurs, I just couldn't figure out why my commitment just dropped off a cliff out of the blue. This will sound dumb, but I think it had to do with the fact that I went tanning right after work. I love being in the tanning bed, it's like a little warm cocoon. I also love the smell of my tanning lotion - it freakin' rocks. "Incredibly Black" in the purple bottle with the skull and crossbones on it.... anyhow, yeah. I would go to the tanning salon, come home, sit on the couch, and just be way too relaxed to function. So, I think I need to remember that I think it may have been partially triggered by that and not do it again. (It's unfair I have to tan anyhow, considering I am Native American but got skipped by the natural tan genes.... It's also August, I should be tan enough from being outside - but my new job is a bear and I work ALL the time!) Ridiculous, I know - but I do think the tanning was part of the problem and it was the only thing that changed about my routine - who would have thought.......
I am making lasagna for my family tonight. I am going to just eat a 1/2 cup of the meat-tomato sauce and a big salad. I have no problem skipping the pasta and cheese - it makes me feel bla and go into a food coma anyhow. I am making strawberry-spinach salad, which is one of my all time favorite salads. It's full of flavor, texture, and wonderful presentation. I am also making this Pineapple Angel Food Cake posted by Alissa over at A Journey to Thin. I can't wait to try it!
Like I have stated before, food is a big thing in our family - for every occasion. Tomorrow we are planning to go to Sunday brunch - I haven't been to Sunday brunch in about a year. It's at this wonderful restaurant. I will admit, I'm a little worried. I will be thinking about how my 'strategy'. Sit in the car maybe? ;)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
lazy, lazy, lazy
The last two evenings I have done two types of exercise - Jack and Shit. Ugghhhhhhhh. Weird because I have been totally feeling this momentum. Today marks 9 weeks out exactly from Las Vegas. Just a few more weeks for Slimmer this Summer, I should be trying to finish strong instead of being a slob-ola.
Yesterday was a day of celebration and in the midst of sitting on the couch, my Mother called saying it was time for a CELEBRATION DINNER due to my sis being pregnant after trying for 5 years. I did get off the couch to go to that, and yes - I had a t-bone, hash browns, salad, corn, dinner roll. I was so full I felt like I could explode. I woke up feeling miserable. I don't really like eating meat in the evenings, I feel this weird lump in my stomach for hours - very uncomfortable. I prefer scrambled eggs, a veggie burger, or something else. Gosh I was uncomfortable and felt so guilty. I didn't eat all of the meal served, but much more than I should have. I need to learn how to deal with 'celebrations', because obviously food is the guest of honor in my family - always has been, always will be.
I don't know what my deal was today - I just didn't seem to mind much. I texted a friend to see if she wanted to go for a walk and when she said she couldn't, it was game over for me too. I've been busting my butt, so I don't think the 2 day hiatus is all THAT bad, but the eating has been a problem. I can't give up healthy eating and activity - one or the other, but come on! LOL. Yes, today I had a cookie at Subway and then about 3 hours later had a hot fudge sundae...... Confessions of a crazy fat girl!
I'm not even really beating myself up about these past two days, just trying to figure out what put me in this place and why. I feel like crap, it's 920pm and I am so tired, usually I am reading now for about an hour. I won't be able to do that this evening. I feel .... heavier?, if that makes any sense. I met a guy at work today, some accountant or auditor finance contract guy (Ok technically I have no freakin' clue why this guy was walking around in my building, but he had a suit on so I figured it was financial, don't ask me why I come to the conclusions I do or we'll be here all night! I mean, look at that description of his position, it's nonsense at its finest....). ANYHOW, he came up and shook my hand and we talked and I remember thinking - 'omg I am so fat today, why couldn't he have come on Monday before I got fat?= I was avoiding eye contact and cut the convo short and went back into my office and closed the door. Who does that?! Remember my post a month ago about my swagger and confidence - I need a healthy dose of that right about now.
It's those old lazy fatass habits and issues sneaking up and they're getting the best of me - not anymore. Tomorrow, I'm going to put them in check. Right? There's always tomorrow...... F*n story of our lives huh?! ;) Goodnight all!!!!
PS - Super shout out to all the comments on my last post with prayers, good vibes and positive energy being sent. My sister deserves to be a Mommy more than anyone I know. I also want another beautiful niece or nephew to spoil. :) "Dear beautiful baby, I will not be your fat auntie when you're born. We'll take cool family pics by the river in the sand and I won't hide on the other side of the camera - I'll be in the picture with you, holding you because you are just one more of my many reasons to LIVE and I love you already!"
Yesterday was a day of celebration and in the midst of sitting on the couch, my Mother called saying it was time for a CELEBRATION DINNER due to my sis being pregnant after trying for 5 years. I did get off the couch to go to that, and yes - I had a t-bone, hash browns, salad, corn, dinner roll. I was so full I felt like I could explode. I woke up feeling miserable. I don't really like eating meat in the evenings, I feel this weird lump in my stomach for hours - very uncomfortable. I prefer scrambled eggs, a veggie burger, or something else. Gosh I was uncomfortable and felt so guilty. I didn't eat all of the meal served, but much more than I should have. I need to learn how to deal with 'celebrations', because obviously food is the guest of honor in my family - always has been, always will be.
I don't know what my deal was today - I just didn't seem to mind much. I texted a friend to see if she wanted to go for a walk and when she said she couldn't, it was game over for me too. I've been busting my butt, so I don't think the 2 day hiatus is all THAT bad, but the eating has been a problem. I can't give up healthy eating and activity - one or the other, but come on! LOL. Yes, today I had a cookie at Subway and then about 3 hours later had a hot fudge sundae...... Confessions of a crazy fat girl!
I'm not even really beating myself up about these past two days, just trying to figure out what put me in this place and why. I feel like crap, it's 920pm and I am so tired, usually I am reading now for about an hour. I won't be able to do that this evening. I feel .... heavier?, if that makes any sense. I met a guy at work today, some accountant or auditor finance contract guy (Ok technically I have no freakin' clue why this guy was walking around in my building, but he had a suit on so I figured it was financial, don't ask me why I come to the conclusions I do or we'll be here all night! I mean, look at that description of his position, it's nonsense at its finest....). ANYHOW, he came up and shook my hand and we talked and I remember thinking - 'omg I am so fat today, why couldn't he have come on Monday before I got fat?= I was avoiding eye contact and cut the convo short and went back into my office and closed the door. Who does that?! Remember my post a month ago about my swagger and confidence - I need a healthy dose of that right about now.
It's those old lazy fatass habits and issues sneaking up and they're getting the best of me - not anymore. Tomorrow, I'm going to put them in check. Right? There's always tomorrow...... F*n story of our lives huh?! ;) Goodnight all!!!!
PS - Super shout out to all the comments on my last post with prayers, good vibes and positive energy being sent. My sister deserves to be a Mommy more than anyone I know. I also want another beautiful niece or nephew to spoil. :) "Dear beautiful baby, I will not be your fat auntie when you're born. We'll take cool family pics by the river in the sand and I won't hide on the other side of the camera - I'll be in the picture with you, holding you because you are just one more of my many reasons to LIVE and I love you already!"
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Love, Hate, and Prosperity
Love: to have a strong liking for, take great pleasure in
Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest
Prosperity: a successful, flourishing, or thriving condition
Things I love about this journey:
feeling like a rock star, better fitting jeans, not being winded after walking up a flight of stairs, bountiful energy, compliments, less chins, heavy metal workout playlist, inspiring others, the benefits of proper hydration noticed in my skin and hair, not feeling like crap after eating grease-fat-calorie laden food, no sugar fog after consuming 2 donuts for breakfast, noticeable biceps, 2 months strong and not giving up, 32 pounds down, not worrying about stepping on the scale and seeing an E for error because I max it out, improved blood pressure, fellow Slimmer this Summer challengers, enjoying fresh summer fruit, sore muscles, Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, my walking playlist consisting of everything from old school gangster rap to Johann Pachelbel, learning more about myself, practicing meditation, saving money by reducing processed foods/snacks, never being over 300 again in my entire life, cute new running shoes, learning to love myself, focusing on self-made goals for weight loss and the rest of my 30x30 list, not hitting the snooze button 3-6 times every morning, delicious healthy food, Crystal Light, sweaty workouts, looking forward to a bright future, morning yoga, a house cleaned spotless because of my great energy level
Things I hate about this journey: Other than not starting sooner, nothing. I don't 'regret' not starting sooner, but I just wish I had. I am learning to let go of the past and its mistakes because that is how I will learn to love me and be more confident in myself and my decisions.
Ways I will Prosper during and after this journey: self confidence, travel, self love, knowing that whatever I set my mind to is mine for the taking, friendships, everything in my 30x30 list that have been goals of mine for years, cute clothes!, a tropical vacation, physical and emotional health, longevity in my life, know how to use food as fuel and not as a friend, save money on hospital bills/potential health problems/prescriptions, not saying 'no' in fear of not fitting in a seat or something embarassing like that
Some people limit prosperity to financial gains or material wealth. I do not, I find those things to be unimportant actually. What matters is that I am finally starting to live my life at the ripe old age of 29 - I will be a happier, healthier 30-something. When I first started typing this post I thought I'd have a long list on the 'hate' section, when I got right down to it I had nothing. There is nothing negative to be said about this weight loss journey we are all on - nothing but good can come from this. I almost tried to list things I detest just to do it such as excessive laundry from workout clothes or the planning that is involved in caloric intake - but I don't really hate it - it just is. It is just part of the journey and it's an important part. Like at my job, I don't really like going to Director's meetings, I prefer to just do the work I feel I need to - but every week I have to attend them because I am a Program Director. It just is. It's part of the job and I do it and move on.
What are your love/hates about this?
Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest
Prosperity: a successful, flourishing, or thriving condition
Things I love about this journey:
feeling like a rock star, better fitting jeans, not being winded after walking up a flight of stairs, bountiful energy, compliments, less chins, heavy metal workout playlist, inspiring others, the benefits of proper hydration noticed in my skin and hair, not feeling like crap after eating grease-fat-calorie laden food, no sugar fog after consuming 2 donuts for breakfast, noticeable biceps, 2 months strong and not giving up, 32 pounds down, not worrying about stepping on the scale and seeing an E for error because I max it out, improved blood pressure, fellow Slimmer this Summer challengers, enjoying fresh summer fruit, sore muscles, Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, my walking playlist consisting of everything from old school gangster rap to Johann Pachelbel, learning more about myself, practicing meditation, saving money by reducing processed foods/snacks, never being over 300 again in my entire life, cute new running shoes, learning to love myself, focusing on self-made goals for weight loss and the rest of my 30x30 list, not hitting the snooze button 3-6 times every morning, delicious healthy food, Crystal Light, sweaty workouts, looking forward to a bright future, morning yoga, a house cleaned spotless because of my great energy level
Things I hate about this journey: Other than not starting sooner, nothing. I don't 'regret' not starting sooner, but I just wish I had. I am learning to let go of the past and its mistakes because that is how I will learn to love me and be more confident in myself and my decisions.
Ways I will Prosper during and after this journey: self confidence, travel, self love, knowing that whatever I set my mind to is mine for the taking, friendships, everything in my 30x30 list that have been goals of mine for years, cute clothes!, a tropical vacation, physical and emotional health, longevity in my life, know how to use food as fuel and not as a friend, save money on hospital bills/potential health problems/prescriptions, not saying 'no' in fear of not fitting in a seat or something embarassing like that
Some people limit prosperity to financial gains or material wealth. I do not, I find those things to be unimportant actually. What matters is that I am finally starting to live my life at the ripe old age of 29 - I will be a happier, healthier 30-something. When I first started typing this post I thought I'd have a long list on the 'hate' section, when I got right down to it I had nothing. There is nothing negative to be said about this weight loss journey we are all on - nothing but good can come from this. I almost tried to list things I detest just to do it such as excessive laundry from workout clothes or the planning that is involved in caloric intake - but I don't really hate it - it just is. It is just part of the journey and it's an important part. Like at my job, I don't really like going to Director's meetings, I prefer to just do the work I feel I need to - but every week I have to attend them because I am a Program Director. It just is. It's part of the job and I do it and move on.
What are your love/hates about this?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Slimmer this Summer, week what?! Update!
Last week's weight: 285
This week: 279
Like, whoa!
This week was over in the blink of an eye, but was a roller coaster from start to finish. I was a hot mess on more than one evening due to crazy emotions and life kicking me in the teeth in general. I used that as fuel and walked, walked, walked, walked. I didn't do the DVD workouts and strength like I had planned - I just literally walked my ass off. One evening I was out walking out at the high school track and I had done 12 laps (3 miles), I kept going and quit counting, but probably spent another 45 minutes walking. When I noticed the sun had set, I figured it was time to go home.
This was a big loss, 6 pounds is stellar. I am very happy about it. It's a good jump off for the month of August! My trip to Sin City is so close I can taste it, that is a huge motivation to keep working it out. I will NOT use a freakin' extender on the airplane this time. I had to use one in April for the first (and LAST) time ever.
Thank you for all the comments and support on my last post, it is much appreciated. I know I need to put the past in the past. I found this quote a couple months ago and have been learning how to follow its advice: "Make peace with your past so it does not destroy your future". A little more to the story of my ex: We were together 5-6 years with some off-ons, did some long distance for a while, it was crazy at times - but we were SO happy for the most part. Everything just.... worked, sometimes perfectly. It ended May 2010 as I was finishing grad school. Over the last year, we have had a few conversations, a few 'sleepovers', a few moments where we talked and held each other like the old days. Two months ago I realized that the relationship with him had become TOXIC, it was eating me alive to be with someone, but not be WITH him because he didn't want me anymore. He acted like he did when it was convenient for him. A couple months ago, he wanted to have another 'sleepover' and I said - no. I said, sure I want to, but I know that it is not healthy for me or for 'us' anymore and I just can't do it. We were on the phone and he acted like I should be honored to have such a gift of his presence in my bed bestowed upon me. He said, are you sure? We talked a bit more and he asked again, and I said "no, really - I can't keep up this shenanigan any longer, it is unhealthy and it confuses me because I know you don't really want me". He just chuckled and said he was sorry I felt that way, before saying our goodbyes he said - one last chance on me coming over, going once, going twice..... I hung up on him. I felt like garbage. I hated myself for giving into it so many times before during this last year we've been broke up. I felt more used than I had before. Knowing this just happened in late May-early June made it very difficult and depressing to see that by August 1 he's 'in love' with some skinny, blue eyed girl. I know I have to put the past in the past, he's my ex for a reason (30 reasons to be exact....). It's just not fair that he gets to be happy and it will probably be years before someone looks my way again. Uggh.
Wow, that was a rant. Sorry. I had to get it out of my system (again). I will formulate some more specific goals for this week and post later. The overall goal will be to lose another 2-3 pounds, eat healthy, 1 sweet treat only this week, no fried food at all this week, walk every single day, journal every day, go tanning 3 times this week (I bought some minutes last week), and meditate at least 3x this week. The mantra for my meditation time will be "strength, confidence, happiness". I need a little of each.
This week: 279
Like, whoa!
This week was over in the blink of an eye, but was a roller coaster from start to finish. I was a hot mess on more than one evening due to crazy emotions and life kicking me in the teeth in general. I used that as fuel and walked, walked, walked, walked. I didn't do the DVD workouts and strength like I had planned - I just literally walked my ass off. One evening I was out walking out at the high school track and I had done 12 laps (3 miles), I kept going and quit counting, but probably spent another 45 minutes walking. When I noticed the sun had set, I figured it was time to go home.
This was a big loss, 6 pounds is stellar. I am very happy about it. It's a good jump off for the month of August! My trip to Sin City is so close I can taste it, that is a huge motivation to keep working it out. I will NOT use a freakin' extender on the airplane this time. I had to use one in April for the first (and LAST) time ever.
Thank you for all the comments and support on my last post, it is much appreciated. I know I need to put the past in the past. I found this quote a couple months ago and have been learning how to follow its advice: "Make peace with your past so it does not destroy your future". A little more to the story of my ex: We were together 5-6 years with some off-ons, did some long distance for a while, it was crazy at times - but we were SO happy for the most part. Everything just.... worked, sometimes perfectly. It ended May 2010 as I was finishing grad school. Over the last year, we have had a few conversations, a few 'sleepovers', a few moments where we talked and held each other like the old days. Two months ago I realized that the relationship with him had become TOXIC, it was eating me alive to be with someone, but not be WITH him because he didn't want me anymore. He acted like he did when it was convenient for him. A couple months ago, he wanted to have another 'sleepover' and I said - no. I said, sure I want to, but I know that it is not healthy for me or for 'us' anymore and I just can't do it. We were on the phone and he acted like I should be honored to have such a gift of his presence in my bed bestowed upon me. He said, are you sure? We talked a bit more and he asked again, and I said "no, really - I can't keep up this shenanigan any longer, it is unhealthy and it confuses me because I know you don't really want me". He just chuckled and said he was sorry I felt that way, before saying our goodbyes he said - one last chance on me coming over, going once, going twice..... I hung up on him. I felt like garbage. I hated myself for giving into it so many times before during this last year we've been broke up. I felt more used than I had before. Knowing this just happened in late May-early June made it very difficult and depressing to see that by August 1 he's 'in love' with some skinny, blue eyed girl. I know I have to put the past in the past, he's my ex for a reason (30 reasons to be exact....). It's just not fair that he gets to be happy and it will probably be years before someone looks my way again. Uggh.
Wow, that was a rant. Sorry. I had to get it out of my system (again). I will formulate some more specific goals for this week and post later. The overall goal will be to lose another 2-3 pounds, eat healthy, 1 sweet treat only this week, no fried food at all this week, walk every single day, journal every day, go tanning 3 times this week (I bought some minutes last week), and meditate at least 3x this week. The mantra for my meditation time will be "strength, confidence, happiness". I need a little of each.
Friday, August 5, 2011
drama llama - not my usual post
I hate finding out that my ex is happy. Who does that? Well, almost everyone I know hates finding out their ex is happy. I wonder why that is? I just find it unfair, like hey asshole remember all those sweet nothings you told me that amounted to nothing? I still had to suffer through the losses. Remember those plans we had that conveniently fell apart right as I was about to finish grad school and start our life together? Thanks for wasting our time.
I think that the demise of my relationship is part of why I started on this 30 by 30 list. (yes, it was over a year ago - I know, get over it! We had a 6 year relationship, a couple off-ons) I have wasted so much time just working for the man, being fat, setting goals that go by the way side, missing out on fabulous vacations, and just missing out on life in general that I was fed up with it. I wanted to set a pretty basic (although it is proving to be a lot of work) list of 30 concrete things I could accomplish in one year's time that focused all on me, me, me. For once.
He is happy and found the girl that had him at hello and they're perfect and bla bla bla. I just hadn't heard much about him in a while and when I do - it's that he's punch drunk on love while I'm sitting here alone, waking up alone, going to the grocery store alone, going for evening walks alone, etc.....? Really just ruined my day. I didn't even emo-eat either, it actually motivated me to work harder. I learned about this all a couple days ago. I have lost 5 pounds this week so far, I'll 'officially' weigh in on Sunday and see how that holds up or changes. If that lying S.O.B. can be happy, so can I, right?
To my ex - "Thanks for making me a fighter, for adding fuel to my already burning fire to regain my spirit, my love for myself, and my happiness. I appreciate it, no really - I do. P.S. - Fuck you."
I wonder if I'll be single forever? I feel socially awkward, but that's only as my self-esteem dwindled into practically nothing over the last two years as my weight ballooned to its highest, my relationship slowly crumbled beneath me, grad school and working full time kicked my ass, and I just fell apart at the seams in general. I met a guy last weekend at a party and he was flirting and I just stood there thinking, what do I say? I want to talk to him (he was gorgeous and I honestly thought he would quickly talk to one of the other 4-5 girls before he would ever give me a second look, but he came right up to me!). I kept looking around for one of my girl friends or cousins who were at the party to come break up this awkward transaction happening in the corner, but obviously this guy had set it up that way because he WANTED to get to know me. I froze, I stated I needed to grab a drink and just never went back even though when I returned he was still off to the corner waiting. I'm such an idiot. I just suck at engaging in conversation, I used to be awesome at it. I'm a licensed social worker, I know how to talk to people - about very uncomfortable and sometimes horrendous things to be quite frank; yet I couldn't pull of a quick ice breaker with a cute guy. Bummer.
We need to figure out how April gets her groove back.............. I don't want to be single forever, but I think it's good for the time being while I refocus my energy on me- not on my career, education, boyfriend, next idea of the month - but me as a whole. I want to love me, because I certainly can't love you until I do, right? Whoever *you end up being..... I know he's out there.
I think that the demise of my relationship is part of why I started on this 30 by 30 list. (yes, it was over a year ago - I know, get over it! We had a 6 year relationship, a couple off-ons) I have wasted so much time just working for the man, being fat, setting goals that go by the way side, missing out on fabulous vacations, and just missing out on life in general that I was fed up with it. I wanted to set a pretty basic (although it is proving to be a lot of work) list of 30 concrete things I could accomplish in one year's time that focused all on me, me, me. For once.
He is happy and found the girl that had him at hello and they're perfect and bla bla bla. I just hadn't heard much about him in a while and when I do - it's that he's punch drunk on love while I'm sitting here alone, waking up alone, going to the grocery store alone, going for evening walks alone, etc.....? Really just ruined my day. I didn't even emo-eat either, it actually motivated me to work harder. I learned about this all a couple days ago. I have lost 5 pounds this week so far, I'll 'officially' weigh in on Sunday and see how that holds up or changes. If that lying S.O.B. can be happy, so can I, right?
To my ex - "Thanks for making me a fighter, for adding fuel to my already burning fire to regain my spirit, my love for myself, and my happiness. I appreciate it, no really - I do. P.S. - Fuck you."
I wonder if I'll be single forever? I feel socially awkward, but that's only as my self-esteem dwindled into practically nothing over the last two years as my weight ballooned to its highest, my relationship slowly crumbled beneath me, grad school and working full time kicked my ass, and I just fell apart at the seams in general. I met a guy last weekend at a party and he was flirting and I just stood there thinking, what do I say? I want to talk to him (he was gorgeous and I honestly thought he would quickly talk to one of the other 4-5 girls before he would ever give me a second look, but he came right up to me!). I kept looking around for one of my girl friends or cousins who were at the party to come break up this awkward transaction happening in the corner, but obviously this guy had set it up that way because he WANTED to get to know me. I froze, I stated I needed to grab a drink and just never went back even though when I returned he was still off to the corner waiting. I'm such an idiot. I just suck at engaging in conversation, I used to be awesome at it. I'm a licensed social worker, I know how to talk to people - about very uncomfortable and sometimes horrendous things to be quite frank; yet I couldn't pull of a quick ice breaker with a cute guy. Bummer.
We need to figure out how April gets her groove back.............. I don't want to be single forever, but I think it's good for the time being while I refocus my energy on me- not on my career, education, boyfriend, next idea of the month - but me as a whole. I want to love me, because I certainly can't love you until I do, right? Whoever *you end up being..... I know he's out there.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Wasting $ on Produce
In the past, I have thrown out so much deliciousness because I let it literally rot away in my crisper drawer of the fridge. On a Saturday or Sunday, I would decide that "This is it, this is the week - I am going to eat salads and only salads and lose 100 pounds!". I would go to the grocery store and spend $35-$45 on fresh fruits and veggies and that was about it, maybe some sliced turkey from the deli. There were SO many things wrong with that..... 1) I would buy more than 1 person could possibly eat before it became spoiled. 2) The whole mindset was wrong because healthy living does not say salads and only salads. 3) I would get bored of the lettuce and shredded carrots after two days and be right back at the drive through ordering a burger & fries.
This was a plan designed for failure and guess what - I failed, every time I did this. Ten days after my grocery store outing, I would open the crisper drawers and pull out soupy tomatoes, soggy cucumbers, browned lettuce, moldy strawberries and shriveled grapes. It was ridiculous! I thought of this post because yesterday I went for a snack and ate the last cup of watermelon I cut up on Sunday. I have also put a good dent in a big bag of cherries I bought. I am much more successful because I have changed my mind's schematic about what healthy eating is and what is certainly is not. I buy enough fruits and veggies to last 3-4 days so they are fresh when I go to use them, not rotten and ready for the dumpster. I find new ways to prepare them so they never get boring. Have you tried oven roasted broccoli with garlic salt, olive oil and black pepper? It's amazingly flavorful and very filling!!!!
I know I have a long road ahead and many more habits to be instilled in my daily life, but this is a win for me right now and I am going to enjoy it! This is a very positive note for my weight loss and my budget! August is no spending month for me, so it is good to know when I go grocery shopping, nothing will go to waste.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
low carb ideas
I am seeking some ideas, recipes, websites, etc. for low carb ideas. Yesterday I said I would be trying a low carb for a couple weeks just as another boost - then I went home and made spaghetti. Nice work kid! ;) I will be doing some research on it, but if you know some sites or ideas let me know. The good thing is I love veggies and eggs and chicken, etc. - but I know I will get bored with them quickly. I just posted the other day about how I'm sick of focusing on food and was thinking of doing Slim Fast drinks. I don't really want to do Slim Fast though, I don't mind the taste but it does sort of taste like licking a tin can (not that I've spent a lot of time doing that....). I'd rather do real food as a boost instead of that.
I have lost 26 pounds so far, and it's been a great learning experience. Your ideas and input have helped tremendously. My family and friends here are supportive, but either they are overweight and don't mind it or they are thin and have no clue what I'm talking about. I bet they do mind being overweight, but haven't shown a commitment to change like I have so it's been a lonely road. I had a walking buddy here for about two weeks, my cousin's wife and I went to walk without missing a beat - 1.5 miles a day. Then she was tired, then she didn't have a babysitter, then she needed to hang out laundry - all of which could have been handled and the walk still complete. So onward I went alone and have been. I've had 3 others say to call them when I go walk and they will come - they're no shows. It's a bummer and sometimes it gets to me to the point where I give up too and just sit on the couch. Got to stay out of that trap of excuses and laziness!
I have lost 26 pounds so far, and it's been a great learning experience. Your ideas and input have helped tremendously. My family and friends here are supportive, but either they are overweight and don't mind it or they are thin and have no clue what I'm talking about. I bet they do mind being overweight, but haven't shown a commitment to change like I have so it's been a lonely road. I had a walking buddy here for about two weeks, my cousin's wife and I went to walk without missing a beat - 1.5 miles a day. Then she was tired, then she didn't have a babysitter, then she needed to hang out laundry - all of which could have been handled and the walk still complete. So onward I went alone and have been. I've had 3 others say to call them when I go walk and they will come - they're no shows. It's a bummer and sometimes it gets to me to the point where I give up too and just sit on the couch. Got to stay out of that trap of excuses and laziness!
Monday, August 1, 2011
August plans
I want to lose 25 pounds this month, I wonder if that's possible. The lowest I remember being was a couple years ago and I weighed 273. If I lost 25, I'd be down to 260 which would probably cause me to break into tears. I am going to go hard on the exercise, I have been having some knee issues so I guess as hard as I can. I have been working on carbs, I just need to really give them up for a couple weeks as a jump start for posting a big loss this calendar month.
I can't believe it's August. That's just crazy. I don't know where the time went. I want to buy my cardio machine this month, I think I have decided to go with a bike vs. elliptical - thanks for the comments on my post asking for suggestions. I have scoped Craigslist and will be contacting some sellers today. I might even buy it this weekend which would be awesome.
That's my goal for August, the tasks to reach that objective will continue as they have been - with a bit of added boost in all areas.
I can't believe it's August. That's just crazy. I don't know where the time went. I want to buy my cardio machine this month, I think I have decided to go with a bike vs. elliptical - thanks for the comments on my post asking for suggestions. I have scoped Craigslist and will be contacting some sellers today. I might even buy it this weekend which would be awesome.
That's my goal for August, the tasks to reach that objective will continue as they have been - with a bit of added boost in all areas.
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