I have been asking myself lately what I am really doing, what is the bigger picture in this weight loss. I don't think it's the process of weight loss itself, it is about figuring out who I am. I think my energy is just centered on living a life - a real life, a happy life.
I just have to figure out the factors of the equation that add up to a happy life; it's something I have never had before so I feel like I don't know where to start other than losing weight. I have been taking the time to study theology during this process. What is divine, what is a higher power, can there only be one? I think that my 'belief system' (I refuse to say I have a 'religion') is a... patchwork. Its pieces threaded together with different attributes of religions that speak to me with authenticity. It includes the teachings of my Native American ancestors, it includes the ten commandments of Christianity, it includes the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism in all of their evasive lucidity, it definitely includes karma, it includes the Golden Rule 'Do onto others as you would have done to you', it includes my own center of confidence that I have been trying to construct since my teenage years..... like I said - it's a patchwork. It may have frayed ends and pieces - but I am working to arrange it into a masterpiece, even if the beauty is only seen by me.
Other factors of the equation to happiness are even more difficult to detail. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. I can tell you that with 2 Bachelor of Arts degrees and 1 Master's degree; I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can tell you that after living in a different state for 5 years and moving 'home'; I don't feel like I am in my element here. I feel like an outsider to my own family sometimes. I miss my friends in other states more than I ever missed my family here - friends are the family we choose, not the ones we get stuck with.
I am not in an unhappy place per se, but I am in a phase of my life where I am seeking peace. It's not easy........
Seeking peace is never easy. In Buddhism, you can only reach nirvana if in your past reincarnated life you were perfectly good. Otherwise you could end up as a bug... or just another human. Anyway, You have a lot of time to figure what you're meant to do and where you're supposed to be. So don't sweat it. Just keep working towards your goals. Because once you complete your list, you will be so proud and accomplished, that you will feel at peace with your entire world. Trust me. :) Keep it going, love!
ReplyDeleteWow this post truly hit home for me. Friends truly are the family we choose. You can't let the family you get stuck with have control over your life. This is something I still struggle with. For me, there's nothing really wrong in my life, but I don't feel truly happy like I should.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya girl. It's a process. We will get there!!
Growth -- i love it :0) This post reminds me of myself and where I was at last year. Keep up the search.. once you find that peace, it all sort of fits together... granted Im personally not on a definite career path but I'm ok with that (mainly because of my etsy shop) I do what I love and i share it... thats better than any career to ME. Your on a good path, and while it all transitions it will affect you in ways you wouldnt have ever thought. Trust me... signed "Fat Girl in a Little Coat"... ;)
ReplyDeletethis is a great post. You will find it and when you do, you will know it! I am not fully where I want to be yet, but I am more happy than I ever thought I could be. There are places I want to go, people I wish I lived closer too, but those will come in time!
ReplyDeleteThis post really spoke to me, I can also say that with a Bachelors Degree Master's Degree and Ph.D I have no idea what I want to be either.
ReplyDeleteIt takes time to get there, I'm not there either, I sometimes think the most happy of us are those who don't think too much about it. lol.
OMG, you are my twin. I changed majors so many times. I have two bachelor degrees in totally different fields. I'm 51 and never got centered on career goals or knew myself. Part is that most of my childhood and adult life, I've been sickly. Then sickly and obese. Then morbidly obese. And I became very reclusive and self-protective cause I was depressed and didn't trust this awful body that wouldn't work right.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with however many years God lets me have. Who knows? Could drop dead this week. But if I have the average lifespan ahead of me, then I need to get cracking on realizing my dreams.
I came to that decision last summer and now I'm 80 pounds lighter from last June and working on fixing other issues so I can free myself to BE MYSELF.
I am happy. Some days I am blissful, even. But I am not fulfilled, because I have not fully tried to achieve my potential and target my dreams.
That happens NOw. Life phase: fulfillment. :D
YOu, too. Let's find our paths! And find utter and completely SELF-REALIZATION. heh. :D
Wow! I've been going through some big changes and was just thinking I wish I knew what I want to be when I grow up. I've been feeling lost and uncertain about where my life is going instead of enjoying where it is. I hope we both figure it out soon. Time keeps ticking.
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