sadness-eat-shame wash-rinse-repeat

I don't know what to write, but am thankful I'm hiding behind a computer screen to share this.  My family suffered a very tragic and horrible loss on Monday night.  Unspeakable.  I've been trying to sort out my feelings, that hasn't worked.

Yesterday, I binged.  I went to a favorite local spot and got two slices of pizza and some chicken poppers (nuggets).  I went home and ate it, in the blink of an eye I think.  I got up off my couch from wall staring, left my house, and went to another place and bought MORE FOOD.  I bought a 32 oz sweet tea (like drinking syrup), a cheeseburger, and some fried potato wedges.  I wasn't hungry.  I was turning to my long term best friend, food.  I needed comfort.  I needed to feel numb.  Then the shame.  The crying effin shame of it all!

I don't know what else to say.  I need help with this food addiction, maybe more than I realize or had ever admitted to.  I didn't dare jump on the scale this morning, knowing full well it would be over the 300 that I vowed would never happen again on only Monday!

STS update 6/27/11

Last week's weigh in - 305.5

I lost 6.5 pounds this week!!!

This week = 299.  I am NOT going over 300.  Ever. Again. Period.

Water intake = at least 80 ounces every day, met with flying colors all days except Thursday.  I was on travel this week and got out of my rhythm of filling my water bottle.  I actually got very thirsty on Thursday evening.  When you're thirsty, you've already let your water intake get behind.  That won't happen again.  This is actually the easiest part of my goals for me to reach every week.

Calories = Ok I have to admit I just guess. I think I am going to get online, is it fitnesspal?  I need to just start a profile there because I guess like crazy.  I just think that if I'm making healthy choices, then it must be okay.  I did some boredom eating on Sunday when I was home.  First a piece of cheese, then some popcorn, then a fresh peach, then some rice & peas, then this and that and on and on.  I WAS NOT hungry, I was bored.  Finally I went and cleaned out my spare bedroom in order to quit.  I don't know what the emotion was - just feeling bored.  Will keep you all posted on fitnesspal profile.  Need to do that today!

Exercise: I was on travel, so the walking became just at the malls and in department stores.  I did reduce calories a lot though, so I think that saved me as far as lack of exercise for the few days I was out of town.  When I was home, I stuck to a routine.  I need to try to get in exercise at like 5:30am, to get my energy up, metabolism going, and awake and alive for the day.  Even a 20 minute cardio routine would be good. 

Well, I started this challenge at 311, I am not at 299.  It feels good.  I can do the 41 pounds by August 29th if I step my game up now and I mean, right now.  I don't want to see 301, I don't want to see 305 and good gravy I never want to see 333 again  - my heaviest last summer.  Never.  Again. 

Thanks for your support and comments, it has been really helpful. 

Going well

Things are going pretty well here.  I was out of town for a work conference for a couple days - am now home, stocked up on some great healthy groceries and ready to face another week!  I check this morning and I am down 4 pounds, that is pretty good.  I made healthy food decisions while eating out at the conference, I was surprised.  I wanted to cave into the 'burrito gigante' that everyone had, but ordered a fajita salad with no cheese or sour cream and ignored the crunchy fried taco shell it came in.  It was wonderful and I wasn't miserable after the meal like other people were!

I stayed at a Comfort Inn, they have the expanded breakfast menu for free in the lobby.  I had two boiled eggs on a piece of wheat toast and a small 50 cal cup of light and fit yogurt.  At the workshop on Friday, they served pizza for lunch!  They also had salad, but had some sort of mix-up so there was no dressing.  I ate a big plate of salad with the pizza toppings from a supreme on top to make it more flavorful, and ignoring the crust!  It was actually pretty good.  I ate half of one piece of buffalo chicken pizza, it wasn't impressive and I knew it would leave me feeling miserable (carb, fat, plus it was hot out!).  They also had coolers of soda, I stuck to my water bottle and even avoided the tables of monster cookies.  Oh, how I love monster cookies.  I didn't feel like I was depriving myself - it felt great actually, like I was liberating myself.  Wonderful.  Things can only get better.

I am happy with a 4 pound loss so far this week.  I think it could be higher, but all I've been working on is walking, staying hydrated, and watching what I eat.  Imagine if I was doing my tough workouts - it would be more of a loss, but at least it is back on track compared to last week's .5 loss - that was depressing.  Maybe I'll have even better news my Monday's official weigh-in!!!!

Tuesday is my favorite day of the week

Tuesday is my favorite day of the week - always has been.  No particular reason either.  Just is.

Today I went to the grocery store - nothing looked good, I had no real plan.  I wandered aimlessly for a while.  I ended up buying a big bunch of romaine, a bag of baby spinach, and some yogurt.  I have like 15 oranges I need to eat so I'm going to make smoothies for a couple days/meals.  The recipe is: 2 oranges, 1 cup spinach, 1 yogurt (any flavor, something that goes well with orange), and ice.  I sometimes use only 1 orange to make it more thick, but I'll be using 2 since I have this random abundance of them.  The problem with the smoothie as a meal is protein - I get hungry a couple hours later.  I should have got some almonds or something for a snack inbetween.  Maybe I'll walk there again tomorrow.

One good thing about this fave day of the week - flight booked!  I am going to Las Vegas from October 13-17.  That is another reason to keep up with this challenge and start working hard.  I went on a plane in April for Easter to Phoenix.  I had to use a lap belt extender for the first time ever.  I was humiliated.  I have never had to do that and I never want to again - just goes to show how out of control this has really become.  I need to regain that.  It is a great goal being a few months away.  I fear getting all into it for a couple weeks, then letting time slip by me.  I always do that.  I did that with the April trip.  I had my flight booked in February, I set a plan to lose so many pounds before then.  I think I exercised 5 times in the 2 months prior to the trip - no F*cking wonder I couldn't fit in the seat.  I'm damn lucky I sat by a tiny blonde on the way out and a 7 year old boy on the way back or it could have been even more embarrassing than it was.

On my flights to and from Las Vegas on Oct 13 & 17, I will not have to use a lap belt extender.  I WILL be able to put the little tray down in front of me to hold my drink and magazine on instead of in my hand uncomfortably.  I might even pass on the little airplane shaped crackers and just eat the peanuts  - I mean, what a waste of calories!  I've got another target, another reason to keep my eyes on the prize.  Sin City, here I come!!!!!

a little quote I read.....

I just went downstairs to another office and was standing around reading their collection of quotes, advice, etc.  I saw this one:

"It's okay to sit on your pity pot once in a while, just be sure to flush it when you're done"

That seems fitting this week on the Slimmer this Summer challenge!  It seems like more than a handful of people lost their mojo, fell into excuses, skipped workouts, etc.  We need to overcome that thinking and blaming ourselves - and move on.  Flush those thoughts and attitude, gain back the motivation and sense of self.  Remember how most people rocked it out the first week - well we have 10 weeks to go.  The goals can be met, the jeans will fit, the numbers will go down on the scale and in inches.  Everyone is going to have a fabulous week - bye bye excuses and self-loathing.  Best of luck to all of you! 

Slimmer this Summer Week 2 Results

Weight: 305.5 (A half pound loss, I am very bummed about this.  I know what happened - I let drama derail my exercise.  The eating was actually pretty decent, I didn't turn to food - I turned to bed though and would go home from work and go to bed and not exercise.  I can't let this happen again.)

Measurements:  Did not take other than waist and just did that last Thursday so this will be my starting point from here on out

Water: Did well with this, one day I over-caffeinated and by afternoon had a headache.  I needed more caffeine so had a diet pepsi and not water - felt lethargic the next day due to no water intake and drama and no exercise.  My body is so used to hydration and exercise (at least a walk!) that it really messed me up.  I am almost happy to see that as the result, my body now needs water and activity - my body doesn't want to hate me for being a lazy slob, so I need to give it what it needs and what my midn and soul need as well - weight loss!

Exercise: FAIL.  I think I walked 3 out of the 7 evenings.  I walked 2 times during the work day, when we are allowed to every day.  I did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred once.  I did an ab and arm workout once (20 mins each).  Such a huge change from last week.  I specifically remember typing "easy breezy" on my exercise goals last week.  Need to do that again this week.

Personal goals: I continue working on my 30 by 30 list (posed on left side of my blog home page).  I paid off my car, will pay off one credit card this week, cut up a credit card yesterday.  I will have 2 credit cards left to pay after this and can knock those balances out by December of this year, January at the latest.  That is a great feeling and was a pick me up that I needed.  Thanks for your positive responses on yesterday's post about it.  I appreciate it so much!

Down a half pound isn't the end of the world - at least it was a decrease rather than increase.  When you weigh 300 pounds, the first 20 or so usually drop fairly quickly as long as you're trying - this goes to show I was not really trying this week and was quite lucky that I didn't gain.  Let's not sugar coat my progress - it is lousy for this week and I can admit that.  Now to learn from it....... 

this week's goals

Water: at least 80 ounces a day
Calories: 1200-1300, reduce carbs
Exercise: Jillian Michaels 30 day shred EVERY DAY, walk 30 minutes EVERY DAY, extra arm or ab strengthening routine every other day!  Utilize 30 minutes of walking at work every day!
Personal goals: feel awesome, pay off 1 credit card in full (once I get my paycheck on Thursday that balance will be wiped out!!!!), hopefully I will also get my car title in the mail because I made the final payment on that baby last week!  I wrote out 4 thank you cards last week, so I would like to deliver those this week - that is always a pick me up for myself.  I will also write out one more little note to someone.  Little notes and thank you cards are a lost art..... I'm personally trying to revive it! 

another post on this late night... and knee injury!

Just keep on keepin' on, that's what i have been trying to do these last couple of days.  I feel like I've been in a flurry of family drama, etc.  That's actually made me lose my appetite for the first time ever, usually I will run to cheesecake like it's my long lost soul mate or cuddle up with macaroni and cheese like it's the only sounding board I've ever known.  I've made pretty good choices, water did decrease today but I could tell on my evening walk that I was more tired and blah.  I have become dependent on the water for basic functioning during the day in many areas and I think that is a very GOOD thing!  On a sour note - the knee injury continues. 

What cardio can I do that will be effective and helpful with minimal impact on my knee?  I have been doing a pretty aggressive walk, but tonight was more of  leisurely stroll and yesterday was not at all due to knee.  I hate that, I keep asking myself if I'm making up an excuse or if it does really hurt.  It really does hurt........... any idea would help. 

Less sodium, please

I've been struggling with keeping a good balance on my sodium intake.  I just crave something salty all the freakin' time.  Yesterday I had celery and peanut butter and that took care of the craving, but on other days I really struggle.  I usually think food is TOO salty, I haven't used table salt in probably 2 years.  I don't add that to my food, but have been having a sneaking desire for really salty foods - maybe because I miss fried food.  This week I haven't had any, and I was limiting myself to once a week.  Anyone have good healthy ideas that curb those types of cravings?  I opt for fruit or a whipped yogurt out of the freezer for a sweet treat - but the salt is crazy.  I've also ate a jar of pickes in like two days, or olives in one! Not cool.

I weighed myself this morning and my weight was the same as Monday, despite busting my tail this week.  The salt can't be helping that at all, due to possible retention but still even a .5 loss would have been nice.

Intake and water has been good.  Yesterday I went to my favorite burger place and they had beef tips, little chunks of grilled steak basically with fries as the special.  I ordered the beef tips but opted for a salad.  They looked at me like I was joking and then the salad they brought was basically two scraps of lettuce and a half cup of ranch on the side.  When I eat salad, I dip the fork into the dressing then take a bite rather than soaking it in dressing.  You use a lot less and still get the flavor of the dressing if that's what you need.  I was disappointed in the salad (or lack thereof), the beef was good and was grilled - so better than my usual double cheeseburger and fried cheeseballs I get there.  I was proud - slow and steady wins the race... one good decision at a time.

that crazy scale

Does anyone else notice that you should always weigh in at the same time on the same scale?  I generally ALWAYS weight in first thing when I come out of the shower in the morning.  It makes sense.  So, last night after sweating my arse off and then going for a 30 minute walk, I decided to weigh in again.  314, which is higher than what I started last week!  What the holy heck?  No freakin way.  So, I did it again this morning fresh out of the shower and we were back to 304 which is a pound down from yesterday.  Now that I can deal with.  I've read both sides of the argument - one stating that you should weigh every day and one that says you should do it on a set day of the week only.  I do a little bit of both, I hop on for a little extra motivation one way or the other every few days.  But my 'official' days are Mondays (used to always be Wednesday before this STS challenge). 

Progress for yesterday was okay, except lunch.  I think losing the 5 pounds over the first week and reading the other challengers blogs helped me to step it up a notch.  I worked hard!  I was tripped up at lunch due to lack of planning and had to really struggle finding something healthy in a gas station for lunch.  (I live in a remote area of South Dakota).  I ended up buying two string cheese and some jalapeno cheddar chex mix.  I mostly just wanted to try the chex mix, Jalapeno Cheetos are my vice.  Man i love them.  But - the chex mis is way better!  The texture and flavor is great!  There's 120 calories in a half cup serving, so I'm going to make my own little 100 calorie packs with them for when I have that salty craving. 



I brought my lunch today so I'm not wandering aimlessly in a convenience store for good healthy eats.  Hey, at least I avoided the fried chicken, pizza, breadsticks and other things they do have there.

STS Week 1 Progress

Calorie intake kept around 1200 - I did fairly well with this goal, I need to really track this better because I guess-timate a lot. 

Water intake, 80 ounces a day.  I was only short on this maybe one day and believe me, I noticed.  My body was so used to being hydrated I just felt sluggish and not as well so I won't be doing that again!

Cardio - 30 minutes a day.  Easy breezy!  I usually did more than 30.

Strength - 4x week.  I probably only did this 3 times. 

Fried food only 1x a week - I ate fried food twice.  Once, bacon breakfast pizza (not technically fried, but... so not good and the other time the Indian taco....)

Sweet treat - only once every other week.  Last week I didn't have anything sweet, which is a shocker.  That means the allowance is still there for this week if I so desire.  Lots of delicious fresh fruit, which is way better!

Use allowed walking time at work - I did this 3 out of the 5 days

WEIGHT: Last week, 311.  This morning: 306!  I have lost 5 pounds this week. 

I was going to do my weight on Wednesdays, but have decided I will do it Mondays as the rest of you are.

New Calendar week, good weekend!

I had a good day today with following calorie intake and water.  Exercise was about 30 mins when I've been doing at least an hour, but I did move all freakin' day doing laundry, walking around, etc.  I feel good about it.  I am much too tired to have a lot to say.  I am ready and looking forward to an official weigh in and progress tomorrow for myself and from all the other StS challengers!  The only slight worry is that I did not make it to ghe grocery store to make a good plan for meals this week - I have a plan for tomorrow though and will go tomorrow evening.  I really have problems making good choices if I don't have a plan, sad but true.

Progress, not Perfection.  ;)

Good night!!

Slipping on Saturday

I did 30 minutes of walking today.  I ate..... way more than I should have.  Will do the total tomorrow.  I did get on the scale tomorrow, I was 5 pounds down for the week since Monday!  I was happy about that, it lit a fire under my big ol' butt for the first part of the day then this by lunchtime I slipped into ....... fried food again!  I had an 'indian taco', other places it's called a 'Navajo taco'.  It's a fried bread (the size of the plate) with all the meat, beans, cheese, and taco toppings on top and my oh my is it delicious.  You have to tackle it with a knife and fork.  Like yesterday's breakfast pizza, I quickly slipped into a carb-calorie coma and went to sleep for the afternoon.  I got up and was still full with that lump stuck in my stomach feeling.  Uggh.  I shall learn, hopefully not the hard way.  I hope I don't get on the scale tomorrow and am back up to the same.  I did good on the water, so good that I had to run home from my AM walk to hit the little girls' room because I'd already had about 40 oz. before I left at 9am!  This evening I think I"ll have an apple, some broccoli and maybe a yogurt if I'm still hungry although I doubt I will be.

On a better note: I started the day with peanut butter-apple oatmeal, a recipe I made just this morning.  3/4 c whole grain oats cooked per directions.  Add 1.5 tbsp peanut butter, heat through and add a little milk.  I then grated an apple up into a pile of what looked like hashbrowns and stirred it into the oatmeal.  It was awesome!  The apple added the sweet it needed and a little more to the already great texture of whole grain oatmeal.  I'd recommend this breakfast, and it kept me full for quite a while.  I ate it about 630am, then of course the next meal was about noon and was the taco - my vice of fried food!

Finally Friday

Finally Friday - I'm ready for the weekend.  I don't have anything exceptional planned, but just ready to have a break from the morning rush.  Today is a good day.  On my goals, I said I would have fried food one time a week, this is just to start me on this 'lifestyle change' of health.  So today, I had breakfast pizza so that is the fried food of the week although it's not actually fried - it definitely doesn't fit into the plan!  I almost made it through the week with no major bad choices, but today was the bacon pizza.  It was delicious but I actually had a bit of an upset stomach afterwards and felt like there was a lump sitting in my stomach for hours - very uncomfortable actually.  I have been eating well for a few weeks now, making small changes here and there and being more health-conscious.  Glad it didn't agree with me, I'm even more likely to avoid it in the future.

Water intake is so-so today, I have some catching up to do.  I drank 2 of my coffee cups (24 ounces each) - for a whopping 48 ounces of coffee.  Who does that?!  Crazy, I was out of it for a while but i did go for a brisk walk since I was over-caffeinated.

Food and exercise for yesterday - pretty good!  I ate one of my lettuce-turkey crunchy sandwiches for supper.  When it's hot out, they are very satisfying and I don't want to eat anything else or cook.  They're just perfect. 

This evening's exercise plan is: 20 minutes of arm strengthening, 10 minute level 2 cardio (BL 30 day jump start), 30 minute walk. That will be an hour of exercise, plus my walk from earlier today.

When I started my new job on 5-26, I started working on the 3rd floor!  The good (not for ADA compliance...) news is that there is no elevator.  I have to walk down to 2nd floor to make copies, go to meetings, meet with finance office, even use the ladies room, etc.  I go from 3rd to 2nd SEVERAL times a day.  I go from 3rd to 1st and back up about 4 times a day.  There is a lot of built-in exercise here, as well as the walking that they support and encourage staff to do.  It's great and is helping me.  I noticed my knees kind of hurt though.  But i guess if I was a little kneecap and 300 pounds was coming down on me all at once I'd be achy too.  Sorry knees, I am working on your pain!  ;)  I have heard several times that when you lose 10 pounds of weight, it relieves 100 pounds of pressure from your knees because they take such a beating when you're this big.  Interesting?

Ehhhhh...... it's a so-so kind of day

There's nothing great about today, nothing particularly bad either.  It's just a so-so.  I did go for a walk this afternoon.  My job allows time for walking, either a half mile or a mile.  It's part of the diabetes prevention program they have here.  I am Native American and live on a reservation in South Dakota.  The diabetes among this ethnic population is exponentially higher than any other group!  I am glad to have a job where they are supportive of prevention.  I am actually at a new job as a Grant Coordinator for an educational program for children 0-5 with disabilities.  I have a Master's in Social Work and studied administration, so program design and direction was my interest area.  I haven't lived on the 'rez' in about 6 years, so it's completely different to what I'm used to over the last few years.  I used to live in Wichita, KS.  I miss it. 

I'm not talking much about the weight loss, but just a random blurb.  I did okay with calories today, I resisted a decadent piece of coconut cream pie.  I thought, will that really taste as good as 41 pounds off will feel?  The answer - NOPE, I'll pass on the pie.  This evening I'll walk at 7pm with a friend I recruited as an exercise buddy and will also do some workouts on DVD, maybe a 30 minute duration.  Add the extra walk this afternoon, 30 minute walk tonight and I have myself about 80 minutes of exercise for the day!  Ohhh yeah, I'll feel good tomorrow. 

Have a great afternoon and evening everyone.  I'll check in with you again tomorrow.  I've stared at this computer a bit too much at work to have the desire to turn on the one at home this evening.

Day 2 and some food pics

Day 2 is a good day!  I am still hot and cooling down from a 30 minute walk (it's 90 degrees here).  I also did a quick 10 minute arms workout on the BL 30 day jump start video.  Every little bit helps and meets my goals for the day.

I won't always post food pics, but I got a few comments on the crunchy sandwiches, which is just a low-carb and low-calorie sandwich made with lettuce vs. bread.  (I don't buy bread.)

 A couple pieces of iceberg lettuce, 2 slices of turkey (30 cal each), a slice of cheese and voila!  A crunchy sandwich, it's delicious!  You eat it just like a taco, crunch included!

I took a couple pictures of my lunch bag today for work:

 The yogurt was my AM snack, around 10am.  I also opened the container of lettuce salad and ate a few of the cucumber and tomatoes off the top.  Around noon I had the crunchy sandwich and the salad.  At about 3pm I ate the apple for my PM snack.  The orange is still sitting on my desk, and yes so is the small Dove dark chocolate you see.  I took it as emergency chocolate, but didn't need it today. Baby steps!

 This is my awesome lunch bag.  I pack the lunch the night before and leave it in the fridge all night.  Before I walk out the door, I throw in a 'blue ice'.  They're a little plastic cube with the blue freezy stuff in it, you can get them by the coolers and lunch bags in any department store for about 99 cents.  The bag probably cost me about $12.

 As you can see, my day's worth of snacks and lunch laid out on the counter before fits nicely into the bag.  There is a pocket for silverware and the emergency chocolate.  The top of it also has another expanding pocket, but I just keep it full of napkins.  Quite the investment.

I used to own two of these lunch bags, I gave one to my Mom.  A couple years ago I had a great weight loss and lost about 60 pounds.  I would pack three days worth of lunch, one in the fridge and two in the bags.  For two days all I had to do was grab my bag and go - no excuses that could find me sitting in a drive through.  It is like the pre-packaged commercial meal systems, but you pick your own food and is much cheaper.

I'm proud of me today..... not top of my game proud.  I know I will get better.  41 pounds in 12 weeks isn't going to be easy - but I'm on my way and I am happy you are all here to help me.  Let me know what kind of posts are helpful to you.  I can be pretty random!  Take care and I hope everyone was a 'loser' today!  ;)

First day of Slimmer This Summer!

I have made my post on a separate tab, check-check-check it out! I am so looking forward to this.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and loaded up on some good healthy stuff.  I actually love healthy foods - the problem is I love the unhealthy stuff just as equally.  A big challenge will be keeping a food log of everything I eat.  I always struggle with that, but have read SOOO many times that it is a big key in success.  I found a nice pink spiral notebook that I think will do the job just fine.  I have a job now that allows me to do some writing in it on my break.

One bad thing about the first day is that I already got my hands on some peanut butter cups - the death of me.  I ate two and quit.  I should have ate one or zero then quit, but the good thing is I didn't eat the whole bag.  An awesome part of the day was eating one of my wonderful crunchy sandwiches.  Why are they crunchy?  Because they're just wrapped in iceberg lettuce leaves!  It is two lettuce leaves, two slices of turkey (30 cal each), a piece of cheese (optional or a little bit of shredded cheese), and a tomato slice or sprinkled diced tomato.  It's wonderful and the calories are soooo low.  I had that with some cottage cheese for lunch and it was very satisfying.  A good quick, easy, guilt-free idea for you challengers out there!

I also need to be able to plan out my meals, at least for a couple days ahead.  I don't have much problem with repetitive menu items.  It's just that when I don't have a plan I go grab some chicken strips (fried) or a burger.  If I had a plan all the time and the food was ready to go (like the crunchy sandwiches or little bags of almonds, etc) - I'd be good to go.  Lack of planning....... gets me every time.

I would like to say good luck to everyone in the challenge.  I am excited we are going on this journey together.  Look out Labor Day weekend, we're going to have some hot mamas walking around everywhere!!!  ;)