drama llama - not my usual post

I hate finding out that my ex is happy.  Who does that?  Well, almost everyone I know hates finding out their ex is happy.  I wonder why that is?  I just find it unfair, like hey asshole remember all those sweet nothings you told me that amounted to nothing?  I still had to suffer through the losses.  Remember those plans we had that conveniently fell apart right as I was about to finish grad school and start our life together? Thanks for wasting our time.

I think that the demise of my relationship is part of why I started on this 30 by 30 list. (yes, it was over a year ago - I know, get over it!  We had a 6 year relationship, a couple off-ons)  I have wasted so much time just working for the man, being fat, setting goals that go by the way side, missing out on fabulous vacations, and just missing out on life in general that I was fed up with it.  I wanted to set a pretty basic (although it is proving to be a lot of work) list of 30 concrete things I could accomplish in one year's time that focused all on me, me, me.  For once.

He is happy and found the girl that had him at hello and they're perfect and bla bla bla.  I just hadn't heard much about him in a while and when I do  - it's that he's punch drunk on love while I'm sitting here alone, waking up alone, going to the grocery store alone, going for evening walks alone, etc.....?  Really just ruined my day.  I didn't even emo-eat either, it actually motivated me to work harder.  I learned about this all a couple days ago.  I have lost 5 pounds this week so far, I'll 'officially' weigh in on Sunday and see how that holds up or changes.  If that lying S.O.B. can be happy, so can I, right? 

To my ex - "Thanks for making me a fighter, for adding fuel to my already burning fire to regain my spirit, my love for myself, and my happiness.  I appreciate it, no really - I do.  P.S. - Fuck you."

I wonder if I'll be single forever?  I feel socially awkward, but that's only as my self-esteem dwindled into practically nothing over the last two years as my weight ballooned to its highest, my relationship slowly crumbled beneath me, grad school and working full time kicked my ass, and I just fell apart at the seams in general.  I met a guy last weekend at a party and he was flirting and I just stood there thinking, what do I say?  I want to talk to him (he was gorgeous and I honestly thought he would quickly talk to one of the other 4-5 girls before he would ever give me a second look, but he came right up to me!).  I kept looking around for one of my girl friends or cousins who were at the party to come break up this awkward transaction happening in the corner, but obviously this guy had set it up that way because he WANTED to get to know me.  I froze, I stated I needed to grab a drink and just never went back even though when I returned he was still off to the corner waiting.  I'm such an idiot. I just suck at engaging in conversation, I used to be awesome at it.  I'm a licensed social worker, I know how to talk to people - about very uncomfortable and sometimes horrendous things to be quite frank; yet I couldn't pull of a quick ice breaker with a cute guy.  Bummer.

We need to figure out how April gets her groove back..............  I don't want to be single forever, but I think it's good for the time being while I refocus my energy on me- not on my career, education, boyfriend, next idea of the month - but me as a whole.  I want to love me, because I certainly can't love you until I do, right?  Whoever *you end up being..... I know he's out there.