Check-Check-Check it Ouuuut!

Word.

My Christmas tree & Thankful For list....

Here is a pic of my first Christmas tree in my house, ever.  I think I am going to add a couple black ornaments to calm down the red and silver.  Glittery black of course.  This girl has glitter in her blood, I love all things that sparkle.  I know red is predictable for Christmas, but I absolutely love the color red. 

Last week a lot of people posted what they were thankful for.  I am late to the bandwagon, but I'm jumping on.  :) 

1. My sister Steph.  She is amazing.  She just turned 31 yesterday.  We are best friends.  Don't get me wrong - we fight sometimes and give each other the silent treatment.  But, at the end of the day - I know I have her as the girl in my corner at all times.  We would do pretty much anything for each other.  Without each other, neither of us would be alive - literally.  She's my angel right here on Earth!

2. My health.  I have mobility, I can move it, move it and shake it, shake it whenever I want to.  I can walk, bend, jog, stand, squat, lunge, punch, fight.....  I can breathe.  I can see everything in this world and take in all the beauty, if I let myself.  It's always a good day to be six feet above ground, remember that. 

3. My friends.  I don't have a ton of friends here, as I am new to this town.  I have a lot of friends in Kansas where I used to live.  I love our chats and how much they care about me and my happiness.  I love sharing our lives and laughing.  I love getting random text messages, we're all really sweet on each other and really random at the same time.  One text I got this week said, "Hey lady, I just thought you should know I am thinking about you and I miss you".  Another text from a friend said, "I won't puke in that night stand, but I might be able to pee in it".  <<Random moment from Vegas.  They keep me alive sometimes with their craziness and love.

4. My 89 year old Great Uncle Babe.  He's hilarious.  He came and had coffee with me the other day.  he tells the best stories.  He drives around and drinks beer because he's highly inappropriate.  He has a great wife, they've been married 70 years.  I said, how do you make the marriage last so long?  He said, "Because nobody else wants us".  He's a gem. 

5. My job.  It provides stability, income, experience for my resume, interactions with great people, knowledge, opportunity to grow my leadership and management skills, chance to serve my community, ability to enhance services provided to children with disabilities, responsibility to promote unity between the Native American and non-Native community members.....  It really is a great job, minus the politics.  But, aren't most jobs like that? 

6. Books.  I get to learn and travel the world all within the broken down spine of an old, smelly book.  I love books, I love to read.  I haven't made much time for it lately, but I need to get crackin'.  100 books before April is still a goal, I need to update the page on here with my most recent reads. 

7. Modern Amenities.  Running water, electricity, electronics.  *I didn't always have electricity while growing up, because my Mother didn't always pay the bill..... sometimes for weeks/months.  Same with running water.  There were things more important to her than paying bills to provide for us children.  Don't take it for granted, I know what it's like to be without water, electricity, food, cleanliness.  It sucks.*

8. James.  He came into my life at a perfect time, when I thought it was the worst time to be meeting someone.  I still can't believe it.  I'm taking it all in slowly and trying to not get too hooked, but as amazing as he is - it's hard not to. 

9. My mind.  I can think, freely.  I can express myself.  I can make decisions.  I am intelligent.  I love learning.  I have a great memory, I have wonderful memories that fill my mind and I can go to those places whenever I feel the need!  I feel sorry for people that just waste away and never challenge themselves to think.   

10. My Guardian Angels and Wakan Tanka (The Great Mystery in Lakota language); the sacred higher power that guides and protects me.  Add to that, Karma.

This Week's Goals

1. Drink at least 90 ounces of water or unsweetened, herbal iced tea.  (Water isn't as easy now that it's not that warm out, iced tea seems to hit the spot lately so I make pitchers of that.)

2. Work out for 45 minutes Monday, Thursday and Saturday.  I have a busy schedule this week.

3. Walk for 30 minutes of allowed time at work on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. (Busy week, so that's all I can plan for)

4. Do Yoga three times this week.  My back and hips have been achy and yoga always helps.  Cold weather sucks.

5. Take current measurements and compare to June's measurements.  I found a notebook from when I started this blog and the Slimmer this Summer challenge with my measurements recorded.  I did it for three weeks in a row then forgot all about it.  I'm anxious to see the changes in numbers. 

6. 1200 calories or less.  No exceptions.  That means tracking!!

7. 1 Dessert this week.  Technically, I ate two pecan cookies while baking yesterday, so I guess NO MORE SWEETS this week.  I just discovered a cake in the copy room by the coffee here at work.  I said "What the fuck?!  Who brought cake?!".  My friend replied, "Seriously, it's too early on a Monday to start your swearing.  Now, get away from the fuckin' cake, piglet!".  So, I left the room.  I wasn't even going to eat it because it had crappy frosting on it.  So, whatevsies.... piglets.  If you are unaware of my behavior at work, read this post.

8.  No fried food or pizza or total garbage this week.  Good decisions.  No 'splurge' or 'cheat' or total 'bullshit' days.  For real.  This week = on point.  That doesn't mean I'm going to eat lettuce all week, I'm just going to make good decisions.  Balance overall. 

9.  Write out and send my box of 16 Christmas cards.  I buy a box every year and never send them. 

Other News:
James!  I met him two weeks ago in a very embarrassing way.  He is in town 5 nights out of the week, he's been staying with me for the majority of the nights he is here.  Things are going well.  He's amazing, adorable and oh so funny.  I feel like I've known him for much longer than 2 weeks.  I finally told him about all the drama, stalking and victimization of the past couple months when I was telling him why I was moving out of my house.  He helped me see things in a different, much more positive perspective.  Who knew that was possible?  
    I also talked to him after my family Thanksgiving ended horribly.  He said, "I wish I could just be with you all the time, so you always smile.  I promise I'll always treat you like gold.  I hate people who don't and how it makes you feel.  I don't get it - how do they not see how awesome you are?  I promise if there's something I disagree with or we need to talk about - that's what we will do.  Talk.  Like adults.  With respect.  Why is that so much to ask from other people?  I'm sorry, baby.  I'll see you soon and hope I can help make it better."  Aweeee, he's the sweetest.  He came at a perfect time.  I'm glad I did not end up moving out of my house, now we have our privacy.  :)

Family: Thanksgiving was just awful.  I am convinced that I am my Father's real daughter, but my 'Mother' is from another planet.  We have had the best relationship we've ever had for the past year - give or take.  After 29 years, I finally got along with the woman - I see her as an adult friend vs. a 'Mom' and that works for me.  I don't have high expectations that a person would from their Mom, I just have simple expectations and interactions.  From time to time, the old her that raised me comes out and it's hateful, mean, neglectful and careless.  Careless and wreckless with my feelings, life, self.... and hers at the same time.  It might be a miracle, literally, that I survived my childhood.  My Dad died when I was 6 years old, leaving my 11 and 8 year old sisters to fend for ourselves in the onslaught of Mother's booze, men, parties, 'friends' and neglect.  There are so many issues there that I have yet to deal with..... 
     My sisters are fine and awesome.  Today is my closest sister's birthday.  She is 31.  She is finally pregnant with our miracle baby.  Yes, 'Our'.  I can't wait.  I am thankful for her every day because I'd be lost without her.

Life goes on.  I've decided I'm going to move forward right along with it.

How did those Goals work out....

Last week weight: 257
This week: 256

Drank a lot of vodka & beer on Friday and Saturday.  It is TOM.  Holiday was a terrible experience with my family, so I'm lucky I didn't gain ten thousand pounds.  Seriously, I can't even think about it... it's so upsetting.

1. Finish the Spark book: DONE DEAL!  Good book, will post some info this week

2. Walk at work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for at least 30 minutes.  M&Tu, done. Weds we got off at noon, so I was rushed.  I forgot we got off early....

3. Drink 90 ounces of water per day Slacked Thursday & Friday, prob drank 40-60 those days.

4. Work out for 90 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday (either gym or DVDs at home) Done Mon, Weds, Saturday

5. Start reading the Dr. Phil book about weight loss: Started and finished the book.  :)

6. Pack! I am moving out of my amazingly cute little house at the end of November and will be staying with a family member.: NOT DONE because I am not moving out!  Thanksgiving was an awful experience with my family, so I decided I better just stay put.  I had started packing, now I have to unpack.  Good news is I minimized a lot of stuff and have several boxes of items to donate to a homeless shelter.  I don't donate stuff to Goodwill anymore.  Only to shelters or churches, because they give the goods directly to the people for free.  I even donate a lot of home decor sets to transitional women's shelters for victims of domestic violence.  They move out of those places into their own apartments, so they might as well have some cute stuff to hang on the wall.  My shopping addiction comes in handy at times like that.

7. Eat only 1 dessert on Thanksgiving. Skip carb filled side dishes. Only have 1 dinner roll (They're amazing). I had 2 mini cheesecakes.  1 dinner roll.  No loaded mashed potatoes. No stuffing. Lots of green beans sauteed with almonds (not cream soup casserole, blech!)
 
8. Get at least 8 hours of sleep per night. I haven't been sleeping much these days. Mission accomplished!

9. Track calories..... Totally didn't do this at all. 

10. Do not blow more than $300 on Black Friday. I ended up spending $400.....

Honesty With MYSELF

I was just talking to an old friend of mine who recently lost 40 pounds.  I kept asking her, how did you do it?  What did you eat?  I didn't so much ask about her exercise routine.  After I was thinking about it, I realized I was asking her and have been getting ideas from others about what they eat and I seem to want to ignore the reality of what I've been eating for about 6 weeks.  I listen to them tell me they upped the lean protein and veggies as though they have just gifted me with the holy grail of weight loss technique.  I stand in awe as they say they eat smaller portions and fill up on water; I make mental notes of the genius that is them.  Really?!?!?!?!?!  I need not worry about what others eat or do, I need to focus on me again.  I let that go for quite a while.  It was simple for the first 40 pounds, the last 10 may have been dumb luck.  For real.  The first 40 pounds, I did the math.  Calories in, calories out.  Portion control vs. portion distortion.  Food for fuel instead of comfort or celebration.  Eat less, Move More.  Move a LOT more!  Exercise was routine, it's something I JUST DID, like brushing my teeth.  Now, it feels like a 'project', like something I'm 'working on' vs. what I JUST DO.  JUST DO IT.  The old adage of our good friends at Nike.

I lost my focus.  My life totally sucked, no joke.  But, I didn't stop brushing my teeth... so why did I let my other routines slip away from me?  I let it go.  I wasn't even telling myself I would 'start tomorrow', I just let it go.  I'm coming to terms with the damage, the time lost and the stalled weight.  I have to be honest with myself first.  It was hard to pack and prepare meals because I was staying in random places with random people.  I could have stepped up the effort though, it was just more easy not to; that didn't save me any work, in the long run- it created havoc in my weight loss, mood and progress.  Part of me is stuck on the fact that in almost two months, I lost a total of just 3 pounds and I find it disgusting.  There is another part of me that knows I was in a situation that would have made it easy to gain 15 pounds those same two months and the fact that I didn't might be the progress itself.  I have grown and become stronger since starting this, there is still room for improvement.  There is still room for truth.  There is still room for more strength.

I also started a conversation with a gal yesterday who is looking into some weight solutions clinic.  You pay $112 a WEEK for protein shakes and super vitamins.  "You don't have to exercise at all" and she knows a girl who lost 9 pounds the first week.  I wrote down the phone number and everything.  Really?!  These conversations happened because I stopped looking inward, stopped asking myself to be accountable and honest with ME.  You can't do this for someone else, by someone else's method, with someone else's rules..... Be true to yourself and be good to yourself.   I'm trying.....  :)

     

Weigh In

Nov 14: 261
Nov 21: 257

4 pounds down, I'll take it.  This time, I will never see the stupid 260's again.  Like, ever.  Neva eva.

I exercised a lot and I'm a little sore, but I love that feeling.  I'm super tired, so here are some articles I've been cruising this morning and really enjoy:

http://liveboldandbloom.com/02/lifestyle/12-small-changes-in-a-12-hour-day-for-a-healthy-lifestyle

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/category/health-and-fitness/

Anything on the pickthebrain site's Health and Fitness section is usually a good read. 

http://tradingpounds.com/11/how-to-heal-the-broken-relationship-with-yourself/

http://www.shape.com/fitness/workout-builder

http://www.shape.com/healthy-eating/healthy-drinks/best-low-calorie-cocktails-fall
*I am a lush and we all know it.  If you haven't tried the Whipped Cream flavored vodka by Smirnoff, you're missing out.  It is amazing.  SO delicious.

Goals for this Week:
1. Finish the Spark book (Only a couple chapters left, will post some info from it eventually)
2. Walk at work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for at least 30 minutes.  (We are off Thurs & Fri for Thanksgiving)
3. Drink 90 ounces of water per day
4. Work out for 90 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday (either gym or DVDs at home)
5. Start reading the Dr. Phil book about weight loss
6. Pack!  I am moving out of my amazingly cute little house at the end of November and will be staying with a family member.  Tough decision, but with all things considered, it was the best choice.
7. Eat only 1 dessert on Thanksgiving.  Skip carb filled side dishes.  Only have 1 dinner roll (They're amazing). 
8. Get at least 8 hours of sleep per night.  I haven't been sleeping much these days.
9. Track calories..... I suck at this lately and keep guessing like I did when I first started.  One day I was adding them up and the calories got to be about 1600, so I started telling myself that the scrambled eggs didn't really count so I subtracted the calories from the total.  What?  I'm a lunatic who needs accountability.

10. Do not blow more than $300 on Black Friday.  I am a shopaholic.......... It's bad.  I think I'll take only the $300 cash with me and not my debit or credit cards, because I've been known to buy things just for the sake of buying them.  One time, there was some children's toy and it was the LAST one in the mad rush and this lady was running for it, so just to be a jerk I grabbed it and bought it.  I don't even remember what it was.  I have no children or no nieces and nephews that needed or wanted that toy.  It sat in my closet for like two months before I donated it to work for children who were in the foster care system.  I did that with a set of bed sheets too, this lady was diving for the last King size super luxurious sheet set, usually about $350 - on sale for $59.  You know I grabbed it and then smirked at her and headed on my way to do some more damage and break some more spirits, just to be a jerk and to WIN.  I WIN this amazing toy which is useless to me and I WIN these awesome sheets that don't fit my bed or anybody's bed that I know.
* One time, I grabbed the last of a toy (which I did need for a gift) and a lady started crying saying she wished she could have bought it.  I could tell she was only getting things on sale because it's what she could afford.  I left with it anyway, then I saw her at the checkout.  She had three things and she paid with cash.  You could tell she had budgeted specifically for these sales.  I bought the toy, then gave it to her in the parking lot.  I'm not a total wench, but I do like to WIN at the Black Friday shopping. 

Gosh, I'm tired.  I need to get a coffee refill.........

Yesterday's Workout = Awesome

Yesterday, I walked for a total of 45 minutes during my work day.  I took three breaks to go walk for 15 minutes each.  That's probably a mile each.  Yesterday after work, I went to the gym from 5-6pm.  I did the rowing machine to warm up then did some strength work on arms, shoulders and back.  I ended with about 10 minutes on the rowing machine again.  I got home and I just had all this energy...... I took off and walked another 4 miles.  I came home and did Last Chance Workout, it hurt but I did it anyway.  I ended with some yoga and the feeling that I can do this.  I exercised about 4.5 hours total in one day, which is more than I've done in the last month...... April is b-b-back!!!  The fire has been re-ignited, I may be at the end of this tunnel I've been in for 2 months.  The court and bs is still ongoing, but I now feel like I have more confidence in the fact that they won't win.

Control your own actions, so they don't control you.  I was going home and going to bed at 4:30pm.  That was it.  I was defeated and it got the best of me for a long time.  Meeting James on Monday was great, that helped remind me that good things will happen to me.  My sister has been so excited this week, she can feel the baby kicking!  The little miracle baby that she was told she'd never have and has tried for 5 years for is healthy and strong and will be here in April.  :)  I have awesome friends and family, including you.  When I took time to re-focus and make the list of reasons I wanted to lose weight; I started shifting my thoughts to the positives I have in life.  There is a lot more than I remembered having the last few months, but I hope I can focus on that a little more.  The harassment has calmed down here, I saw one of the people one day and I just stared her dead in the eye and sent a very clear message - 'I will not break'.  I've come pretty close, but I somehow managed to keep my head above water.  I hope it's over soon, although I'm not out of the woods yet.

This morning I got up at 5am and did a 20 minute cardio workout and some yoga.  Gosh, I feel good.   :)

goals update

Goals for this week:

1. Go to the free clinic workout room 3x after work, for 1 hour each time

I went on Tuesday, I am going again today and will go again on Thursday or Friday.

1. Drink 90 ounces of water a day (Seriously, I quit drinking water a week ago....)

No problem.  Finally used to it again too.  I love it!  I forgot how much a person has to run to the bathroom when drinking 100 ounces of water a day.  TMI - My pee is clear again, so that's a good thing.  It hasn't been during my 10 day hiatus from water.  Gross. 

1. Buy groceries today for the work week and plan my meals out, prepare and pack.

I didn't go on Monday as planned, I was home getting ready for a date with my fantasy man.  I hope to go tomorrow on my lunch break.  Dinner is out again tonight with Man of my dreams.  Breakfast has been coffee and a Special K bar.  Lunch has been eating out..... no comment.  Supper has been eating out, fairly balanced meals. 

1. Do my 30 minutes of allowed time for walking at work for at least 3 days this week (Haven't done that in 5 weeks........)

I went today.  That means I have to do it Thursday and Friday to meet the goal

1. Wear make-up for three days this week & do my hair (I seriously look like shit at work every day lately)

Done Mon, Tues, Weds.... I think this goal is easy now that I'm back in the routine, plus.... James. :)

1. Finish reading my current fiction book (been working on it for over a month, a book takes me a day or two usually)

I have only read one chapter this week, I have about 6 left.  Still hope to finish it.  Maybe tomorrow at work, bwahaha!

1. Finish reading the Spark. Order another book about the weight topic from Amazon so it is here by the time I finish this one

I have not continued reading this at all this week.  Back on the bandwagon, it is a great book from what I've read so far!

1. Go tanning 2x this week

I will have to go during my lunch break, which I don't like.  The small town hair salon is the place with the tanning beds and they're only open until 6pm.  The free gym is also only open until 6pm.  I can't do both, so I will be back on schedule with bringing my lunch and I can do it then.  This goal will not be met this week, and I really wanted it to be.  It was a little pick me up, me time.... time to go in and clear my brain and dream about lollipops under crazy lights and be all warm and toasty.  I could go tomorrow, but Friday I have to sit in on interviews all day.  I'm losing my tan and I don't like it! 


*This list re-numbered itself to all be #1, whatev, Blogger.  I was doing a mental check list of my goals, but figured I'd just write a post, mostly for self serving purposes so I could see how on track I'm staying.  I have been a lunatic for so long now that it's been impossible to keep this a priority.

My court hearing today was continued, meaning they don't have enough evidence to proceed.  Really, assholes?  The court also had to let two obviously guilty individuals out of jail (totally different case, nothing to do with my situation) because the Police Department didn't do their reports.  Are you effin kidding me?  "To Serve and Protect"...... not so much in this Shit town.  I hate this limbo.  I'm so over it.

I saw James again last night for our second date and sleepover.  More delicious kisses and cuddles.  We only slept from like 2-6am on Monday night, so last night we were asleep by 10pm.  Ha.  I will see him again tonight.  He will be at the bar with the guys for 'happy hour'.  I have to go workout, shower and doll up, so i said I would be there around 7pm again.  I was like, 'Are you sure?  You can just give me a holler when you're done or I can see you Thursday.'.  He said, 'No, come  meet the guys.  They've been asking who kidnapped me the last two nights, come hang out.'.   Sure thing, sweetness!!  :)

Blogger is UGGH

I had went and put some of my posts as 'drafts', including the 1 of Vegas pics.  It deleted!  I was looking for it because I needed to copy one of the pics to email.  The other posts are still there as drafts and will be just for my personal documentation now, but the pics are gone.  I'll redo the post at some point.  I didn't even have some of them on my Facebook, so now I have to go to my old computer that I never use, get them, email and repost and order the prints I needed. 

I'm trying to catch up on some blogs.  I continue to be in survival mode.  I have another court appearance and I think it could change everything, maybe.  I had plans to move out of my house and in with a family member and a 6 month plan to get the heck out of here.... is it bad that since I met James YESTERDAY I want to call my landlord and tell him I'm not vacating the house?  Who does that?  No sleepovers if I live with a family member.  Well, it's not just James, that would just be a perk.  I think things have changed in the situation I'm in and I will find out at court tomorrow.  The 3rd court appearance from all this stalking and targeted hate.  Please be over.  I want to move on with my life in a normal fashion.

I am going to the gym today after work.  James said he would like to meet for dinner at 6pm.  He said he always eats at 6pm.  The free gym is only open until 6pm, so I told him that I had to go right after work until 6pm; so we couldn't meet until 7pm.  He was pretty flexible about it and said he would just eat a snack at 5pm, so he didn't get hungry until 7pm.  It was really nice of him. 

I've printed my reasons list and my goals for the week list - I feel a little more focused.  Just shaking in my boots about this stupid court hearing tomorrow.  I'm so sick of all of this - who does this to someone after being laid off?  The agency claims they 'want' to help, the police do extra patrol by my house.... but really, nobody is doing shit to help.  I got pulled into another criminal case because I somehow managed to be an innocent bystander of dialogue.  Yeah, these idiots texted me what they did to someone else, so now I'm a 'witness' in their major criminal case.  Federal fucking charges.  Awesome.  Guess who will be targeted with more hate and retaliation if I get put on the stand?  I'll just love having the authorities contacting Verizon Wireless to get my phone records.  Again, nothing to do with me.  These people are out of their skulls.  Stay off drugs, kids. 

The Date.... :)

So, last night I went out for dinner with the man of my dreams, James.  See previous post if you don't know how I met this amazing creature.  He is God's gift to women.  *He doesn't do Facebook, so I can't think of a clever way to get a picture, but believe me - I'm working on it.  I would find it awkward to say, 'Hey, can I take a picture of your amazing sexiness to post on my blog for all the world to see?  You might as well let me, we are soul mates ya know?'.  Yeah, not going to do that any time soon.

So! I met him at the steak house at 7pm.  He is in town working with a construction crew.  He is actually a welder and hates working with the building crew.   He refused coming down here for like a week then his boss told him he pretty much had to.  He called up my friend/his cousin last week and said he was in town, so they reconnected.  (All to my benefit!)  He will be working in this town for 3-4 months, working on the school addition.  He doesn't have his own vehicle here, just the work truck, which the guys all have to share.  So his hotel is right by the steak house, so I guess that's why he suggested we meet there. 

I got there and he was inside having a drink, we had texted because I was running late so I already knew that.  When I walked in, he looked even hotter than he did earlier that day (as if that was possible).  He smiled and started singing 'There she is, Miss America!!!'.  WHAT?!?!  We went and got a table, I ordered a drink and we visited.  I was so nervous because of his hotness I messed up like three sentences, I am usually a great conversationalist I swear.  Dinner, a couple drinks and some delicious conversation lasted about 3 hours at the restaraunt!  How cool is that?! 

He is ridiculously smart!  We talked a lot about books and most of all, one of my favorite topics, Native American History.  If you look on this profile, some of the books listed there are some of the best reads on the subject, he has read nearly all of them.  I am Native (Sioux), but he is a white boy.  He just studied the subject out of curiosity and genuine interest.  We also talked about travel, welding, Vegas, pumpkins (yes, I said pumpkins), cars and car shows (He is amazed at how much I know about street rods and custom hot rods!) and a few other subjects. 

We went outside and it was COLD.  He walked me to my car and then said he was off to his humble abode and pointed at the hotel.  He said he'd invite me back to his room, but his workmate might not appreciate it or if he did appreciate it, then James wouldn't appreciate that he appreciated it.  Ha, he was hilarious.  We had the best kiss ever (enter chorus of angels singing!).  We were making plans to see each other again today and then I said, 'I am freezing, lets just get in the car'; so we got in my car.  We both agreed we didn't want this night to end, so we went back to my house. 

I was in the other room pouring wine and I came back and he was checking out my CD collection.  He said, 'That's it - it's official.  You are THE coolest girl I have ever met in my life'.  We stayed up until about 1am talking about music, travel, our families, etc..  Oh yeah, he is 32 and is divorced (2 years) with a 4 year old daughter.  He seems like a really good Dad and just lit up when he was talking about his little girl.

We had a conversation that was literally all song lyrics and lines & laughing til I cried.  It was hilarious.  Remember how I always say "Music=Life"; he agrees.  At about 1:30am, I was like wow, it's late.  He said, I should call a cab.  I said, this is Podunk, there are no cabs.  He went and laid in my bed and said 'Guess you're stuck with me'.  I was thrown off at that point.  I started the racing thoughts... 'What am I doing?! I barely know this person! I need to take him back to his room and call it good.  He might think less of me. What is happening?!?! Ah to hell with it, you only live once... he's staying!'  I went and got ready for bed and came back in the room.  I said, 'I was a little crazy earlier today in Holly's truck, I sounded like a woman gone mad!'.  He said, 'just come here and relax'.  His movie star lips taste delicious, in case you were wondering.  That's all I found out.... so far.   

This morning, I made us coffee.  I brought him a fresh towel and even a toothbrush.  I'm a nice hostess like that, besides, he protected and held me all night... he deserved it.  He put his toothbrush in the holder next to mine because he said he hopes to be using it there again.  I said, I hope so too.  I took him back to his room at about 7:15am, I was at work at 7:30am and I've been on cloud nine ever since.  We see each other tonight at 7pm again. 

I want to be all logical and stuff, but I don't want to waste my brain on it.  I just want to feel from the inside for once and see what happens.  He can spend the night every night if he wants.

He texted me a bit ago and said he is glad his boss is a jerk and forced him to come down here, because it's all starting to make sense. 

He texted his cousin and of course she showed me the messages.  Sidenote - He surely realizes that if I am willing to tell her that a stranger wants to violate my body, she is going to show me the messages... that's what girls do.  Here's some of what he said to her:

"The date was great.  Shes really smart, like Superman smart."

"She is a vixen.  She knows what she wants and again, she's smart.  That is a little intimidating.  I was intimidated before she got there because of what she said in your truck - but now... the ante has been upped, again"

"I stayed with her last night but I don't kiss and tell.  Wait, did I just kiss and tell?  Shes your friend, ask her."

"She is just like me, but with boobs.  She's hardcore.  She's smart.  She's so witty, it took me like 8 hours to figure out one of the jokes she cracked last night and I've been dying for twenty minutes, it was so funny."

CRAAAAAAAAZY!!!!  I don't think it's normal to feel this way in just 24 hours, but I don't even care.  He left me wanting more and the countdown is on..... I'll see him soon.  The only thing that annoyed me is he is a crazy texter, he texts more than a teenage girl.  Seriously.  He's even texted me a lot this morning.  It's wonderful, but strange, esp for a guy.  Isn't it?  He texted a couple times last night, but not until we were back at my house - not once during dinner or that may have irritated me to a breaking point.  He also chewed with his mouth open, but only a couple times, so I didn't have to strangle him.  Seriously, I choke slam people who chew with their mouth open or smack their lips.  YUCK.
 

SO embarrassing!

This morning after I posted, I went in a hurry to a meeting.  I stopped at the store to get a coffee refill.  I was standing there messing with the lid to the cup, it was just not cooperating.  This of course, was after I was standing there opening 2 little cream containers.  I noticed a guy was waiting in line, I said, 'oh, I'm sorry! I was just seeing how long I could stand in people's way this morning!' and smiled.  It was then that I noticed that this man was the man of my dreams, he was so hot I could feel my pulse pick up.  I mean, you have NO fucking idea how hot this guy was.  He was a really sexy, rugged looking type and his smile made me MELT.

I smiled at him and he said, 'Sweetie, you're fine.  I'm in no hurry at all.  That lid is being a heathen, isn't it? They always do that to me'.  I got the lid on, then I just smiled and said, 'Finally'.  I went in the aisle to get some chap stick because I forgot mine today.  I was also trying to not squirm and scream at Sir Hotness.  So, by the time I got back to the register, he was nowhere in sight.  I was sad and thankful all at the same time, because I could feel myself blush in his presence.  I paid for my stuff and went out to my friend's vehicle.  I was riding with a friend to the meeting.  She has a big Suburban type thing.  I get in the front passenger's seat and she was on her cell phone.  She ended her call and said, 'ok, we're off!'.  I said, 'OMFG! Dude, did you see the guy in the gray sweater and red hat come out?  He is the hottest man alive and I am CERTAIN that he wants to violate my body and then he wants me to have his babies!!!!  I met my husband today, bitch!  He even called me sweetie, I'm pretty sure we are soul mates.  He is hot, omg omg omg he is the world's most perfect man and he is going to be the father of my child!!!!'.  I normally do NOT go off completely like that, but this was meeting the man of my dreams then having to act like a normal human being buying coffee and chapstick when I really just wanted to take him in the backroom and confess my love to him.  I was bursting at the seams so I flipped out when I got in the car over Mr. Gorgeous. She was just staring at me with this stunned look on her face.  I then started opening the little sipping thing on my coffee cup and of course, you know me - I was swearing like a sailor.  She had the car in reverse, but then suddenly stopped and put it back in park.  I was like, 'We're going to be late'.  We were still sitting in the parking lot of the convenience store and I had no reason why. 

She said, 'This is my cousin James''; and there he was.... in the back seat.  Right fuckin behind me and had heard my whole rant about him.  He smiled that amazing smile and reached out his hand to shake my hand and said, 'Why, hello again!'.  I said, 'I kinda wanna die'.  He said, 'If you did that, I couldn't take you out to dinner and that would be a shame'.  Both his cousin and I had our jaws on the floor and were speechless, then she burst into a fit of laughter and kept apologizing to me that she didn't tell me he was in the car, but she had been on a call.  He had walked down to get coffee, saw her then asked for a ride back to his work site, so he jumped in and I had no clue.  I was embarrassed, almost to the point of tears and jumping out of the car..... but, I do have a date with the hottest man alive.  We'll see about the violating my body and making babies.... A girl can hope.   :)

I don't even want to push the Publish button.....

Sept 25: 264

Oct 1: 260.5

Oct 8: 259

Oct 18: 262.5

Oct 23: 262

Oct 30: 261

Nov 7: 257

Nov 14: 261

In almost 2 months, I've lost 3 pounds overall.... The 250s keep kicking me back out because apparently I'm not cool enough for them.  I am back to my 50 pounds lost, exactly... which I had surpassed 5 weeks ago, but I just keep going back to that and never further for very long.  I started at 311 in June.  261 today.  Again.

My life started to suck on Sept 19, funny how that reflects almost exactly as to when I stopped doing well.  I want to win.  If I gain all my weight back or continue to be stuck here with these fluctuations, but no progress - the people who want me to fail win.  Sadly, there are people who want me to fail.  There always are.  They are even present in this community.  Awesome. 

I am back at work after a hiatus last week.  I have yet another court appearance on Wednesday for one of the restraining orders.  I have never had interactions with police, court, etc. unless it was work related.  (Child abuse investigation, etc. as a Social Worker)  It's been constant for two months, and so has the harassment, stalking.  The authorities believe their hands are tied.  I believe they are lazy.  The enemy believes he is powerful.  The cycle repeats.

I went into the Doc last week to ask for happy pills.  He told me I am not depressed and he thinks I am handling it well.  He said that it is an outside situation and the way that I am processing it and working through everything is amazing.  He said that I'm way more logical than someone could be if they were truly depressed.  He prescribed me Paxil, the diagnosis is 'generalized anxiety disorder'.  He said it should take some of the edge off.  I told him how I can't sleep, so he prescribed me Seroquel.  I've seen people take that and they get seriously out of it and can't function.  I've seen a guy take it and his head just dropped like a brick and he was comatose.  Um, that doesn't sound fun to me.  I've had it for about a week now, but haven't taken any.  I have taken the Paxil for two days, so no idea what it will do yet or if it will help.

Goals for this week:

1. Go to the free clinic workout room 3x after work, for 1 hour each time
2. Drink 90 ounces of water a day (Seriously, I quit drinking water a week ago....)
3. Buy groceries today for the work week and plan my meals out, prepare and pack.
4. Do my 30 minutes of allowed time for walking at work for at least 3 days this week (Haven't done that in 5 weeks........)
5. Wear make-up for three days this week & do my hair (I seriously look like shit at work every day lately)
6. Finish reading my current fiction book (been working on it for over a month, a book takes me a day or two usually)
7. Finish reading the Spark.  Order another book about the weight topic from Amazon so it is here by the time I finish this one
8. Go tanning 2x this week

I am trying to be less apathetic and more focused.  I remember how I totally killed it this summer, I lost quite a few pounds and felt like a rockstar.  I remember my confidence and swagger in Las Vegas.  I have to take baby steps though, I am still rather much a mess; but I'm a mess in progress!!  I stayed in my own house last night and it felt great.  I showered in my own shower.  I slept in my own bed.  I drank my own coffee - the expensive awesome shit I order online.  These little things mean the world to someone who is a prisoner in their own life.  I am trying to be optimistic, more and more so every day.

I am printing the list from my last post and also printing these mini goals for the week..... Thank you for continued support, I know it's not cool to read a blog of a constant failure - but I do hope that things are turning around again...... ;) 

Be well.  Be strong. 

A few reasons to lose weight

I am pretty close to giving up, so I am making a list of why I was losing weight.........

1. I went to a restaraunt last week with my Mom and Aunt.  We were being seated and the hostess started walking towards the booth and my Mom said, oh, I think we need to sit at a table.  I felt like crap.  She didn't mean it in a bad way and truth is, I do always ask for a table because I never know if I'll fit in a booth.  My Aunt said, I like booths better.  My Mom just started making a bee line for the table section, so we were seated there.  I hate that feeling.

2. I have a friend who is very overweight and is 43, she recently had knee surgery.  It still hurts, she has been told that it won't feel all that much better until she has it replaced.  I have knee issues, I don't want to have my knees or other body parts 'replaced' due to constant damage and wear from these extra pounds.

3. I'm inspired by seeing weight loss success stories, but sick of them at the same time.  I don't want to keep reading about them and looking at their progress pictures - I want to be them.  I want to be the success, for once. 

4. I want to sit on a bus or airplane comfortably.  I don't want to sit there hoping a tiny person or child sits by me, so that it isn't two fatties crammed into that row.  I want to travel, I want to go to London, Rome and Australia most of all..... but, I refuse to unless I lose some serious weight.

5. I want to be in more pictures.  I have my miracle baby niece or nephew on the way and I want to be in all the pictures with that precious angel.  I don't want to use the baby to hide some of my fat or keep taking pictures over and over until I don't look as fat... as if that really works anyhow. 

6. I want to lay in my queen size bed and feel like it's normal size.  My 18 year old sister was taking a nap in my bed and I thought... omg she looks like a Barbie doll in that giant bed.  Uh no, that's normal.  A queen bed is a nice sized bed, I just take up a lot more space than I rightfully should.  Someone is eventually going to be sleeping with me every night, right?  I can't take up the whole bed, I'd like to be comfortable to share it... in every way.  :)

7. I want to do a 5k, even if I just walk it. 

8. I would like for this journey to BE something.... something bigger than just the pounds lost.  I want to inspire people, educate them, motivate them...  I think I have done that in this blog community to an extent and some people in my life, but I feel like there's a purpose in it.  Something about it this time is different, I've been through hell and back in the last year and a half of my life (things I haven't written about here, yet).  I don't know if it's about the weight loss itself, or just gaining the confidence to go out and do what ever it is that I am meant to be doing..... Inspire.Intention.Purpose.Destination.

9. I want to shop in normal stores with my sister and girlfriends.  I hate being in the mall with them and helping them pick out stuff, then having to go to Lane Bryant and pick out my clothes.  I want to be able to share clothes with people.  One of my skinny friends came to my apartment one time after I had done some shopping.  She is seriously a really tall twig of a gal.  She picked up this shirt I had bought and said, "Omg, this dress is so cute!".  It's not a dress, jerk.  It's a shirt.  She held it up to her frame and it did look like a big, flowy dress.  On me, just a regular shirt...... Ugh.

10. I want to wear cute shoes and heels without fearing that my ankle, neck or skull will break.  I guess all the exercise will help me gain more balance and grace which will help too.  LOL

11. My Dad died when he was 43.  He weighed pretty darn close to 400 pounds.  I am almost 30.  I can't imagine only having 10 or so more years on this Earth.  I went to my Dad's funeral when I was 6 years old and I still remember it, all of it.  I won't let my family bury me when I'm that young.  My miracle baby niece or nephew shouldn't be left with that memory at a young age, I want to be alive, healthy, and strong to we can make a million memories together!  (I'm rather much undecided on having my own children, I fully intend to spoil my sister's though!)

12. My Mom is 60 and is much more healthy than I am.  She is strong and is a handyman, she works a man's job in construction.  This summer, she ended up working with her crew outside my office.  I would go out there to visit and I'd be tired and hot, sweating... I'd go back in my office.  That woman stood there all day helping and working.  I'm half her age and she can out-do, out-work and out-last me in every way.  It's awesome, but reason for change for me.  Big time.

13. I have gained so much confidence these past few months while losing weight, exercising and being healthy.  When I was on vacation a few weeks ago, I was going right up and talking to people, to guys, to whoever.  I wouldn't have done that a year ago.  If they talked to me, then great, we had a good time.  I never talked to them because I had major self-hate... I thought, I better not talk to them or they'll be embarassed the fat girl is talking to them or ignore me.  Chances are, they wouldn't... but that is where my mind was.  A very ugly place to be, indeed.  I do not feel that way anymore and plan to only get better and better. 

14. I had SO much energy when I was exercising regularly and my head was really in the game.  I want to go back to that.  For the last couple weeks, I go home and go to bed at 4:30pm.  I listen to music until about 7pm, eat a can of soup or nothing at all, then go back to my room to read and go to sleep.  I accomplish nothing.  I feel sluggish.  I hit the snooze about 6 times until the alarm doesn't let me do it anymore.  I want the energy level back.  I loved it.  I need it.  I deserve it. 

15. I read the best motivating post today.....  Cyn wrote this post.  I remember those feelings.  I remember how kickass 30 Day shred is, energy, feeling alive.  I want to go back to that place.  I am slowly crawling out of the dark world I've been in.... the chaos will probably still be there because Haters Will Hate, but I need to move on.  It doesn't mean it's going to happen this very second, but I can work on getting my mind right. 

Quick Update

Oct 30: 261
Nov 7: 257 pounds

I am not exercising, at all.  I don't have time and I also continue to stay in completely random places with friends and family.  I did stay at my house for two nights this weekend to do some things that I needed to.  I drink about 60 ounces of water a day, not my usual 100.  I don't know why I can't manage to drink water, but I would guess it's because life is quite literally upside down.  My knee has also been acting up, I think from sleeping in random beds that are not as comfortable as my own and I don't have my pillow for support.  Yes, I sleep with a pillow between my knees when I lay on my side, it's helpful.  Back to the knee brace the last couple days and that does seem to help.   

Breakfast has been Fage and fresh fruit.  Lunch has been whole wheat pasta with a little pesto and some cherry tomatoes or some scrambled eggs.  Snack has been candy or a cookie, for real.  Stupid Halloween.  On my desk, there are apples and an orange scattered, the fruit bowl they are supposed to be in is filled with candy that the agency gave us to hand out.  I need to fix that, huh?

  Supper is when I don't know what's going to happen.  I stay at random places, so I eat what they eat.  I stayed with someone last week and she says she knows I'm watching what I eat so she would bake chicken, I said that would be very nice.  I brought stuff to make a salad and also a loaf of whole grain bread.  She baked the chiken alright.... slathered in a layer of mayo and then coated in bread crumbs?  It was the strangest thing I'd ever eaten, but I know it is a common recipe.  It was very moist indeed.  I scraped the outside off and just ate the chicken.  One night it was hot beef sandwiches, slathered in gravy.  I ate it and I enjoyed it.  I can't say I care.  Walk a mile in my shoes right now and then criticize my eating, I fucking dare you.

I'm going to a Dr. appt today in an hour or so to get on happy pills.  This has been going on since September 19th.  If it were two weeks, I could shake it off.  I can't.  I sit at my desk sometimes and randomly start crying, ok that only happened twice but still.  I went in and resigned my job one day, but was talked out of it.  It was very good I was talked out of it, because I seriously had no business doing that.  I was just at a breaking point.  I have been living at a breaking point.  The phrase 'hanging by a thread' is literal here and now.  I was just doing what I needed to do until vacation, remember... the Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada!  I had a blast, I came back and it seemed that things just got worse.  I keep waiting for it to get better, but this is week 7 of living in hell.  7 weeks of someone stalking, threatening, destroying, stealing, lying, harassing.....  You get the drift.   

I've done all the things I'm supposed to do as far as authorities.  I'm tired.  I'm apathetic.

I don't even want to post this, because it's so negative.  That SO isn't me, but I still feel like the character in a Koontz book.  This sucks.