I'm so busy and so sick of writing reports and budgets, I might just cut myself tonight for FUN. It will all be over soon! I weighed in at 253 this morning, which is 2 pounds down since Sunday. I haven't been eating much, I run on coffee and deadlines. That is the motto of my life and never more true than this week.
Yesterday was my first day to get to eat sugar. I had a small piece of caramel apple walnut pie. It was heaven, but then I was like - what a waste of calories. I picked the walnuts off the top and just ate some of the filling. It was ridiculously sweet. Maybe overload after no sugar for 10 days.
My friend brought blueberry cake donuts to work the other day. Do you have any idea how much I love them? I said, "just let me lick one", she said 'Are you completely in-fucking-sane?" Me - 'Come on, gimme some of that!'....... I did it. Yeah, I'm disturbed like that. She's the insane one, she totally ate the one I licked. I came in my office and soaked my hands in "Blueberry cake donut" antibacertial hand gel from Bath and Body Works to get all the sin of sugar off me. I wanted to inhale it, I can't believe I licked a freakin' donut?
I skipped the Shred yesterday for the first tine in December, because I was exhausted. I am going to do it double one day this weekend. Level 2 is so weird. That little Jillian can kiss my ass. I was cursing her out the other day, "Yeah, real easy for you - you anorexic whore!!!". I have lost my mind this week, ok? It's official.
James, yeah turns out I'm about to go off the deep end.... you've been warned: We talked about Christmas presents, we decided to exchange and he said we should set a price limit of $25. What? Is that normal? I've never done that with a boyfriend and I find it strange. I know what he wants and it costs $90, I want to just get it because it wouldn't be a problem for me. However, he set the limit so I guess I have to follow it? I'm irritated by the whole thing and I don't know why.
Ok, I think I know why I'm annoyed. James gambles. He sits at blackjack tables and slot machines like its nobody's business. He goes to the bar after work with the guys to have a drink and play video lottery. He probably spends about $100-150 a day there, no joke (or at the local casino, wherever they decide to go). It allows me time when I get off work to get the stuff done I need to like free gym or tanning or tidying up the house. Then he comes over, we watch a movie... sometimes he eats dinner with me, sometimes not. He always invites me to go with them, but I usually only do one time every other week. On days when I am not going to the gym or can be done with other errands early, he will come over right after work. Our schedule clicks. I like it. However, the gambling.... I despise.
I hate compulsive gambling. It is part of what destroyed my family while growing up. I think all people who gamble that much are bad people. I know he pays his bills, takes care of his daughter and even has some tucked away in savings. I can't help but think that one day that will all be gone, his baby girl will have no electricity or food because he gambled it all away. In 20 years, he will abandon his daughter and family (yikes, what if it was me....) on Christmas or birthdays, because he will be glued to a slot machine in some dark alley. He will lie, steal, forge checks and prostitute himself out for gambling money or to recover losses to buy necessities like food. I'm just sure of it, because that's what happens when you gamble.
But, lets be sure to set a firm limit of $25 for Christmas presents. Yeah. Awesome. If he was shooting heroin once a week, I wouldn't be as nervous as I am about him gambling. Gambling destroys, thats what it does because that's my experience. I have told him I'm going to Vegas for my 30th birthday, he hasn't ever gone. He said, "If I go to Vegas, I know I'll come back in a body bag because I'll gamble and party every penny I have until I collapse in an alley. I'll gamble 24 hours a day and lose track of time, date, month, year, and myself". He thinks it was funny. I found it terrifying. I haven't invited him to Vegas and when he brings it up, I have changed the subject twice. I love Vegas. I gambled $40 total the whole 5 days I was there last time. I go for the shows, drinks, entertainment, party, clubs, etc.. I don't want him to come and ruin it for me by sitting at a machine the whole time. Stay your ass home then, James. You can gamble here. Ugh.
Should I be that freaked out by it? It doesn't really have that much of an impact on me. If we were real serious or living together, yeah. But we met a few weeks ago and yeah it's great, but I'm not looking to marry the guy (or am I?). Fuck, I don't know. Why does he have to be so rad in every way... but be a gambling addict. It's like the one thing I hate and fear most.
I don't think you should discount your fears with regard to this, It's obviously a deal breaker for you and something you should discuss with him.
ReplyDeleteI agree with The Ninja. If you don't talk about it now, it will just fester and grow into a bigger issue.
ReplyDeleteI think that seeing as how you've only known him a few weeks its not something you should discuss with him because he may be offended or think you're trying to "change" him. You could ruin a good thing. If you were to become serious that is when you should discuss it and make it clear you will not be involved in his gambling. You will not go to Vegas with him nor will you go to the casino with him. As for the money limit on the gift you may be reading too far into it. It's likely just a comfort thing. Yes you may feel like you've known him for years but in reality you've known him a few weeks.
ReplyDeleteI have the same experiences with gambling. Meaning I hate it! I'm sorry Alabama put many people out of work, but sort of glad they have taken a stand on gambling. I know someone who will gamble ANYTHING away and it's very sad. That would be a deal breaker for me.
ReplyDeleteDid you ask him why he set the limit so low? I've never had a limit for gifts for Christmas with a boyfriend/my husband so I don't know. That does seem low.
Good luck with finished your end of year reports!
Although I understand your fears I do think that present limits are set not because of an absence of money but rather so that you're not in a situation where one person is buying a massive present and the other feels bad about something small.
ReplyDeleteIt just means that you don't worry. It's a very practical man thing to do and I wouldnt worry about that.
As for the gambling I can see that it is an issue for you, he clearly doesn't think it's one for him, seems to be something that the boys he works with all do too.
I do agree with the last poster though, at the moment you've only known each other a few weeks and I think it really isnt your place at the moment to start taking issue with his habits.
Certainly if it's a deal breaker for you talk about it, he may not think he has a problem with it because it is confined to these hours with the boys, and perhaps you having prior experience of gambling is going to give you a much different perspective but he probably doesn't have that.
Talk to him, but be prepared for him to not really appreciate it, but I guess if you want him in your life for the long haul then if this is going to be a problem now it may be better knowing that now.
Just be aware he may not take kindly to it.
So my best friend and her boyfriend have been together for 9 years and they always set a limit. I think it's weird but I also think it's so they don't feel like they were outdone by the other or something stupid like that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Taryn on this one...wait til it becomes something serious and then make it clear that it is somewhat of a trigger for you to your childhood bad memories and your fears about it and what your limits would be on it.
Good luck finishing all those reports chicka!!
If it bothers you, speak up. I really don't see why you have to wait until it "gets serious" before mentioning something. If you explain now that it bothers you, and why, at least he'll know. Rather than "you didn't have an issue with it before". If he knows it might be a deal breaker, maybe he'll ease off on it.
ReplyDeleteRed flag. Big ass waving in the wind red flag. A man who'll spend 100 bucks on gambling, but won't spend more than $25 on a gift...well...red flag. The gambling takes precedence over a present. Weird.
ReplyDeleteIt's your life and heart...but this is something to really sit and consider. You won't change him. Asking him NOT to gamble is not gonna work, as you well know. You either decide you can live with it--and work around it and make your own savings for the day it goes sour--or you decide that this is a dealbreaker. Only you can make this difficult decision.
For me, cigarettes, drunkenness, drugs and titty bars and such would be non-negotiables. I refused to date guys that smoked or got drunk. I wouldn't date a guy who went to strip bars or regularly purchased pornography. Period. Line in the sand. I'd seen marriages and lives destroyed over drugs and booze and whoring around. I didn't want that. I said no. Period. BUT..that's me. I'm risk averse. :P
Think hard. Choose. And accept the outcome of the choice. EIther way, there will be some hurt...but you're a smart cookie and you know that. Having a choice is a nice thing, but it can be very hard.
Blessings...
go with you gut -- if it feels wrong by all means say something/stand your ground/whatever. if you don't you will wish you had @ some point.
ReplyDeleteya know i have to agree that setting such a wimpy gift limit when he is blowing 4-6 times that amount in a day on booze & gambling is in a word -- lame! but... some people are not big on xmas, birthdays, etc & truly think that is acceptable? maybe he is one of those peeps?
my family goes bonkers & it freaked brian out the 1st xmas we were together -- his family just doesn't go nutso like we do...
just a thought?
xxoo
RUN. LIKE. HELL.
ReplyDeleteDon't look back.
If this dude was just a FWB, some fly by night fling, etc. I'd say have your fun, keep yhour guard up and hide your purse when he comes over. However, you obviously are more emotionally involved with him than that and projecting an ongoing relationship with him (and, I assume, he with you). But this one con outweighs any all of the pros. Someone who is gambling (a.k.a. losing) $500-$900/week on video games in a bar when he has a child to support and jokes about his hobby (a.k.a. addiction) having the power to kill him is not someone you can invest your time or energy in.
YOU are working hard to improve your life, and your physical, emotional and financial health, aren't you? He is running himself into the ground. Cut him off before his problem becomes YOUR problem. And hide your valuables in the meantime. Total deal breaker.
To put a $$ limit on a gift exchange when both people are working/living together and sticking to a budget is a great idea. To put a $$ limit on a gift for a person he supposedly cares about whilst spending four times that much on a recreational activity (addiction) that he is not able or willing to rein in (addiction) is insulting and indicative of what a future with a compulsive gambler holds (and apparently, you've lived through it in the past): you will be paying all the bills. You will be sitting home alone wondering where he is and when he's coming back (and in what kind of mood). You will be bailing him out of debts. You will go swipe your debit card for groceries and get declined because he's emptied the account...again. This shit doesn't stop and ALWAYS gets worse.
You're young. You're smart. You don't need him.
Hide your jewelry.
Tell him to take the whole $25 he has budgeted for your present and put it in the Salvation Army bucket...
Some comments say you will "offend" him if you bring up the gambling. SO WHAT? There's no point in spending (wasting) your time with someone who is involved in (addicted to) a behavior that is self-destructive and destructive to interpersonal relationships. Why let it go x weeks or months while the resentment and fear festers in you while at the same time you get in deeper and deeper with this guy? ^ What I'm saying is, yeah; this isn't a "serious" relationship...yet. But it is serious-ish; you see each other daily, emotional attachment is growing and even though you haven't known him very long, you know he has a BIG gambling problem (is there any such thing as a "small" gambling problem?). Why wait until your relationship becomes "officially serious" to address this ...because you know damned well he's not going to say, "Oh, you're right. I do gamble way too much. I'm going to stop. For you. For us." That's not how addictions work. You are fortunate to have become aware of his gambling at this stage of the game rather than, say, after moving in together or something more committed. Just as you would be out of line asking him to stop/cut down (hahahaha) his gambling, he'd be out of line asking you to accept it. Go ahead: Offend him. Tell him you can't be in a romantic/sexual relationship -- casual or serious -- with a habitual gambler. It's not up for discussion. You're not asking him to change. You are going to let him go on his merry way. Harsh? Yes. But I bet you'll hear from his cousin or however it was you met him sooner or later that he's drowning in debt, in jail or worse. I didn't grow up in a family with gamblers, but had to end a 20+ year friendship with someone I grew up with and considered a brother because he destroyed his life and his family with his gambling addiction. This is something you don't need.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the issues my mom had with my dad. They've been married for over 30 years now. But honestly... they're still broke. Dad still gambles. When he doesn't have real cash, it's online poker. It drives mom crazy.
ReplyDeleteThe behavior will NOT change. It's as much of an addiction as food addiction is.
If you choose to continue... make a mental list of where you draw the line. Keep separate bank accounts ALWAYS. Keep a separate savings. Keep funding into your retirement account. That gambling can quickly turn into gambling debt and it does NO HELP to bail him out. EVER.
Sounds cold, but it's a quick road to becoming a financial life line and an enabler. Drug addicted brother, gambling addicted father.... I can tell you. Giving in once. Not a good idea. Ever.
Slow down with James, gambling will not go away and you do not need to get hurt. Just watch yourself April, take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteTake care and have a blessed weekend.
I think it's something worth talking to him about, it you haven't already. You can't make him stop but maybe if he knows you have a problem with it he may be willing to give some of that time and money up for other things? You don't really know until it's discussed out in the open, in a serious way. It could just be something he does to waste time and hang with his buddies or whatever. If however he is serious about gambling then you have reason to worry, addictions of any kind can ruin lives... as you well know it sounds like. If you are that worried then you should listen to yourself cause it's a sign, I believe we all know what is or isn't good for us so when we have those nagging type feelings we really need to listen to them!
ReplyDeleteDo not settle for allowing any1 in for life to give you less than what you deserve.
ReplyDeleteAlso it is feels wrong then it probably is.
First off--I can totally believe you licked a donut. I've been there too. Except at least you stopped at licking? When it's that close to my mouth, I just have to inhale it (oh god--that's what she said? lolz).
ReplyDeleteAs for James, I'm sure you've gotten tons of advice (which I didn't bother to read ha)...so the only thing I'm going to add is to be careful with your heart. You obviously really really really like him, and there is a major dealbreaker sitting in front of you. Remember this. Remember this because for me? Those dealbreakers seem to become less and less important if I really like someone. I shove them into the back of my head until one day everything just blows up in my face. So remember that it's a dealbreaker for a reason, kay?
<3
I agree with others who say that it's worth talking to him about it. The fact that you're a couple, whether serious or not, means that you should be able to talk to each other about your problems/issues. If he doesn't like it then so be it, it's his problem, but at least he knows where you stand on the issue early on rather than too late.
ReplyDeleteAs for presents with a price limit, that wouldn't bother me at all BUT if he's prepared to spend more money drinking/gambling then that would piss me off. It's not even about the money really is it, it's about choosing to spend more on something pointless than to spend more on someone special. That's where I would have the problem.