Gaining Perspective vs. gaining pounds

I've had a lot of time to think over the last couple days.  As mentioned in my previous post, I am dealing with the loss of my grandma.  She died in her apartment when it caught on fire - there was no way to go in and rescue or help her.  Those are the demons and feelings we will all face for the rest of our lives.  I appreciate your comments and prayers  - they are needed and helpful. 

I have thought a lot about how life can change or end in an instant.  I want more control over my next life changes.  I have wasted my twenties away being fat - that is why I started this journey of 30 before 30 and what I want to do.  I want to be happy.  I don't want to be afraid to say 'no' to an outing in fear of not fitting in a booth or chair or worse yet, breaking a chair.  It is so stressful and creates such a negative attitude.  There are at least 10,000 reasons I hate being this overweight and not 1 good reason for it.  I like exercise, I like heart pumping, sweating, heavy breathing activity.  It feels refreshing, almost cleansing.  The demon is the food.  I love the food.  I love cupcakes, they're so cute and pretty.  I love pasta, it's so filling and delicious.  I love fried anything, it's so crunch and savory.  I don't love how it makes me feel.  Do what makes you feel good, right?  It seems simple, but is so hard when there is an addiction to a substance which is what I have come to accept I have with food.

I spiraled out of control this week and so did my eating.  I got on the scale today and nearly cried.  It said 307, gained 8 pounds.  I am juggling it in my head and saying well 5 of that is probably 'monthly visitor' bloat, so maybe I can come back from this.  I won't finish strong in 2 days on Monday's weigh in.  I will more than likely still be over 300 which is where I said I would never go.  I am going to make a pretty strict eating plan for this week.  Primarily eat lean protein and veggies.  I just need a good loss for a couple weeks to get be jump started - now that we are practically half way through and I've wasted away precious time.  I am still happy with the 12 I had lost before - but know I can do better.  I want to keep learning, keep gaining perspective about what my body and mind are telling me and what their dependencies are.  I don't want to gain these pounds back and put on more.

I want to be happy to see old friends and relatives I've been out of touch with.  I want to be happy to say 'yes' at the drop of a hat - there is a fun-loving, happy girl inside here and she wants out of this slobbish angry body.