Remember cute boy temporary roomie? We were talking the other day and somehow the conversation turned to what we were looking for in romantic relationships. I had a few things on the list:
1. (absolute number one) Honesty. Period.
2. Educated, preferred. Gainfully employed, required
3. No long or scary criminal history (I'm a sucker for felons, no really - I am. It's my desire to study criminal psychology, I need to learn to do it out of my own house...)
4. can commit and support a healthy and active lifestyle
5. Travel. Wants to travel, knows how to travel... including - knows how to and is willing to TIP waiters, bartenders, etc.. That is my pet peeve, I hate cheap skates. Ugh.
6. Cool with chillin' for a while before a 'relationship' happens.
7. If they have kids, they have to be a good parent. Period. I don't necessarily have a preference against children. I am almost 30.... I'm a rare find.... educated, make decent money, never married, no outrageous debt, no kids. OH wait, I'm single because I'm fat... yeah well, that's all changing.
8. Not clingy. Has his own friends, his own THINGS that he goes off and does on his own or with his friends... whatever those THINGS are. Hunting, kayaking, painting, surfing, I don't care - just don't be co-dependent because it annoys me.
So anyhow, those were some of the things we were discussing. (If you know anyone who meets the criteria, holler at me...). So he says, are you serious? You want 'healthy and active' to be part of the criteria? I say, well yes of course I do. I said, take our walks as an example Matt. I go for two walks every day, I enjoy it when you come with me for one, and if you were MY MAN, I would really enjoy it if you came. He said, 'oh no, I totally get that you want him (whoever he may be) to have a healthy lifestyle so you don't get fat again... but I don't think people will take you seriously if you tell them that's something you are truly looking for'. I said, well it's not like you go out broadcasting what you want all the time - but I would be honest and say I was looking for this because it is true. He said, well maybe after you lose more weight and then stay down to like 120 pounds, THEN you can say that you want someone who lives a healthy and active lifestyle.
What?!!?! I was devastated. Nobody will take me seriously if I say that I want someone who has a healthy and active lifestyle? I'll be laughed right out the door, if it should ever open in the first place?! Also, my goal is not 120 pounds and it never will be. Why is he so stupid?!?!
So then I told my sister about it and that it offended me.... she wasn't much help either. She said, well he's right, you can't go out there weighing more than a deuce saying you want to run marathons. What the holy hell people? That is NOT what I said! I don't want someone with my old mindset, my old eating patterns and my old habitually sedentary lifestyle - that is not living!
I'm bummed about this whole conversation, well... both of them. Should I be offended and should I bother telling them? They don't *get it and they won't *get it because they haven't walked a mile or four (which is how much I walked today) in my shoes. They don't mean to say stuff that is hurtful. I know they don't. I feel defeated. I feel like.... 'See fattie, you're never going to be good enough and you'll never get what you want because you don't deserve it and everybody knows that'.
Been listening to this song while thinking about these convos and my thoughts on it...... Music=Life.
Cool song!
ReplyDeleteWhen you find that hottie, he will get it because he will get you and love you. That will be all that matters.
I agree... you know you deserve everything you want in a guy! There is no reason you should feel like you don't!
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to stress things that are a priority for you and you have the right to look for whatever you want and you'll find it. I understand where they are coming from, it's the reaction I expect from people but that doesn't mean it's right. I expect to have these kinds of conversations with family because that is their mindset, that's why I don't talk about my life with them at all really any more, sad but that's how it is. In the end you have to look after you because no one else is going to do it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brenda, when you find the right one it'll just work :-)
First time commenter, de-lurking here because I have to say - that's entirely crazy for you not to want / expect / deserve someone who wants to live a healthy active life, just because you don't weigh x number of pounds! It really is. It wasn't like you were necessarily saying you had to have some gym-bound Adonis, it sounds like you want someone who cares about their health - whether they're in a journey, like you are, or whether they've cared about it their whole lives.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad, basically, that two people you like / love and care about don't seem to appreciate the changes you're making, just because you don't weigh 120lbs (or whatever). I definitely feel your frustration.
Having a partner supportive of my health goals is important. I can see how it matters to you and I can see how their comments hurt. I do think part of it is the, "Well, you're still fat, so.."
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm still fat. But I know the only way I have a chance of beating back regain and lose more is to share my life with someone supportive. The odds are already against me.
When he calls and says, "On my way home, honey. Will I make it in time to join you on your walk?" Well, that makes my night. It shows his support. It shows he enjoys walking with me. It makes it more fun. And when it's more fun, the odds are we KEEP doing it....and I need to keep doing it.
Try to forgive them and not take it too hard. Folks see us when we're big and assume we're just in another failed diet attempt. I did Pilates for 3 years, and the first two, barely lost any weight. Seriously. Like 10 lbs. But I was exercising with a trainer 3x a week and experimenting with all sorts of diets. I was trying..but not one could SEE how hard just by looking at my huge body. It's hard for the NOT obese to understand...and it's hard in as society that already has negative connotations of big folks to take us seriously when we say WE WANT X, Y, Z.
You just keep doing what you need to do. And may the right ACTIVE guy find his way to you..
Uneducated is my response to them, not you. They have not walked in your shoes or anyone else who is obese. You will help them both get it by example.
ReplyDeleteKeep healthy and active on your list. They are two very important traits. You are a walking testimony that you can become healthier and active even when you are fighting obesity. You are a great catch for someone!
I agree with you and think they are not getting where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteYour not saying you want to run marathons. You want someone who is active and healthy, which is what your doing and trying to achieve so you want someone with the same mentality to be a support system if you must to help you along and together lead a healthy active life together. You dont want to meet someone who is a couch potato and their hobby is eating at buffets eveyr weekend. I totally get what your saying and what you mean but I think people who have never dealt with weight issues won't understand what your saying.
Everyones pretty much said it all here. I will confess I say what your roomie said to a friend of mine all the time BUT the difference is that she does nothing to be active right now. In her mind she thinks attaining an active man will be motivation enough for her to get active. But I digress, I wouldn't bother explaining it to them if it will only upset you further in the end. And seriously, a man who assumes 120 pound woman is perfection is just throwing out what society has fed him. Its your life, your preferences, your choices and everyone elses opinions .. put strength in your convictions and let others do as they will- they cant knock you down unless you let them :0)
ReplyDeleteThese comments helped so much. I'm just going to let it roll off my shoulders, they don't get it. It's not their fault they don't get it - it's just the way it is! I will keep 'healthy and active' as part of what I'm looking for. I am committed to this. I would never set myself up in a relationship with someone who is not ready for change - I'd be back over 300 pounds and miserable. These two conversations really bothered me though, I think seeing what other people's perspective is of me, former me, current me and other overweight people is just a harsh reality sometimes. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteGirl. People are dumb. It's a proven fact. They probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but they did. 120 is not a realistic goal for most women, to be honest. If I was 120, with my height and bone structure, I'd be grossly underweight. Just keep doing you. That's what I always say. The right man will come and he will understand. Until then, don't settle. :)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah and I'm so happy that a lurker came out and commented - keep 'em coming!! I also don't recognize another commenter here and there's no profile or blog for me to stalk on you either, bummer. Thanks for following though. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say that I could not agree with you more, it's not a bad thing to want someone who is going to be healthy with you in your relationship. I'd say it would make your life easier to not have to work on fixing someone else at the start of a relationship.
ReplyDeleteOh. MY. GODDD!!! Seriously? What's wrong with them. I want to grab them and shake them so hard right now! I want all of that too and have since the very beginning and sure I felt a little silly saying it at a larger size, but I damn sure don't need people I care about tellin me that's a stupid thing to want.
ReplyDeleteI think you may have read my blog post the other day about the guy who liked my face.. well we've been talking more seriously about things and what we wanted in relationships came up and he asked me something like - hypothetically, if we ever got together, do you think you could maintain your healthy lifestyle? I wrote back and said let me put it this way - There is no way in hell I am giving up my new lifestyle for any guy. I am doing this for me and for jett and if any guy is gonna get in the way of that then they are just not worth our time. I am doing this the rest of my life, one way or another. With or without support. That being said, I would absolutely love to have someone there with me supporting me and me bein able to do the same for them, etc. Then I asked him why he asked me that and He had this to say "Hard to explain without putting things the wrong way, but I'll try. I really like you. I have no intention of promising anything as I have so much to do for myself right now, but I do sometimes entertain the idea of what it would be like to really be with you. And I am not always a motivated person to do the things that I would really like to do like get in better shape, not just through eating right, but through exercise. And I often think about how cool it would be to be with a girl who could help me stay motivated because shes gonna be that whether I am or not. But I've my share of concerns if that type of situation occurred, that sometimes I make people lazy. I would never want that to happen, so I was curious to your thoughts on the subject." So yeah.. It was nice to hear that he supported me continuing to do this and didn't laugh it off as oh you're silly for evening thinking like that. On a more personal note though, -- I think me being with him would make me wanna workout more, whether he was lazy or not because he's been super thin all his damn life. he's working out more now these days though since he has more free time and so he has a 6pack going on now. lol. Lazy my ass.
anyways point of this long crazy story is... you are not crazy for wanting those things, i want them too. we all do!!! Don't settle for less than that!
OMG I can't believe you said you are single because you are FAT. Ppppplease! I guess I am an idealistic romantic. Does it really have to be so? Maybe statistically...but heartwise...oh I hear the birds singing outside, GTG LTR
ReplyDeleteSeriously, people are going to make stupid comments all the time. They just are. Try to blow it off. Most humans of the male persuasion can't help it- it's all that testosterone. LOL
ReplyDeleteWith your sister, I guess I would try to explain to her what I meant by my statement. But, really, I'm just at the point now that I don't give a rat's behind what they say or think. Of course, it took me 53 years to get to this place. :)
Holy cow, I felt the need to shout at this post after reading this! Tell me he wasnt serious about what he said! No wonder you felt offended.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you want someone to share a similar interest in having a healthy lifestyle. I think people need to remember that a healthy lifestyle isnt just about improving physical health but it's also about mentally being fit too.
I think it's a great thing to expect any future partner to have similar views about.
One thing that I did find funny was:
"knows how to and is willing to TIP waiters, bartenders, etc.. That is my pet peeve, I hate cheap skates. Ugh."
In England I HATE the fact that people start tipping waiters, bartenders for no reason whatsoever. If they do a good job then I would tip them but if they didn't provide a good service then I would NEVER tip them at all. When I went to the USA, I found it really annoying having to tip everyone even if I didn't rate their service. I guess over in the USA, tips are part of their wages and they need them to get a better wage but over here they just expect it on top of their actual salary. Hehe.
OK so obviously neither of them have ever had to struggle with weight loss, or at least at our size. I can't stand when people don't understand. This reminds me of how I have said that I could never be friends with the "skinny bitches" at the gym, yet I have befriended quite a few now and I love them. They give me motivation, they aren't going to give me any temptations to cheat. They live healthy lifestyles and are what I hope to be one day.
ReplyDeleteGuys are jerks and he probably doesn't even know what 120 lbs looks like! I bet you could show him a 160 lb girl and he would be fine with it.
I am sorry sweetie, but you are so much stronger than this! These comments will come and go but your strength and determination need to be much stronger!!
A few things, and the first is that you need to change that attitude about "you don't have a boyfriend because you are fat"...please don't think that, I know it is tough, but we have to try and think that the right one will come along no matter how we look.
ReplyDeleteTwo - you now need to take that list and write it down, but then put it away in a drawer somewhere and forget about it - the right one will come along and you won't believe that they actually fit the list.
Three - what about item #2 - gainfully employed? I mean, that is one of my requirements and yes, in this day and age it is hard to actually expect that with people losing jobs here and there, that is a tough one to hold onto to. But, that is a requirement and they didn't bark at that one (just sayin)...could say the same about the others, too, in a round about way.
And my last thing - when finding the perfect partner sometimes it is like finding that great pair of jeans. When you go looking specifically for those new pair, well, you just can't find them. BUT when you happen into a store by chance and you pull off the rack the right shade of blue, right fit, right length, right type of pocket, right zipper, right button, right design and for sure the right price - there you have it - the perfect pair of jeans. When you least expect it, you just might get that perfect pair of jeans!!!
Keep smiling and good luck with your list!!!
Staying MOtivated MO
Just to reply to your comment on my blog about tipping - I totally understand why you would tip over in the US. To earn under $3 is crazy! Over here they would be on at least $9.5/10 (minimum) and would be given a guaranteed salary too.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound crazy to you but sometimes over in the UK, some people find it rude to be offered a tip.
Check out this short article about it. I bet you'd find it a little crazy based on your tipping views LOL
http://www.europeupclose.com/article/tips-on-tipping-in-england/
Sounds like they didn't get it, cuz I got it and know exactly what you meant!:)
ReplyDeleteooo... fighting words. To say someone large is inactive is kind of... what's the word? oh, Bullshit. I want someone who wants to go swimming, walking, biking, hiking, and willing to spend time at the gym together.
ReplyDeleteBy no means do I think that your want for someone supportive should be determined by size. If anything, someone more active than yourself is a great motivator.
Let's look at this food relationship as an addiction - which it often is. Should a heroin addict only date other heroin addicts? Are we defined by our vices? I don't think so.
So you go right ahead. Find someone supportive of the you in progress. Someone who will love you through the scalar ups and downs.
Hey I just came across your blog and you seem pretty cool! You should check mine out too. I'm from Washington State...what are coming here for?
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty messed up. I have a friend going through some relationship issues and I tell him, "Choose what makes you happy, and if that meshes with them great and if it doesn't, it doesn't."
ReplyDeleteReal relationships are about the people you are inside being good together. Don't ever let someone else try to explain how or why you should limit yourself, relationship-wise or any other-wise, either.
And beautiful song. :)
Very, VERY not cool. And untrue. Abso-freakin'-lutely it's OK for us to want to "go out there weighing more than a deuce saying you want to run marathons," even though that wasn't what you said to your sister. I kick ass in my 90-minute aerobics/strength-training classes. I have more stamina than most of the skinny people who show up for the first time, who think they're going to out-exercise me, and then huff and puff through class.
ReplyDeleteAnd there are absolutely people out there who will understand you and like you where you are, where you're going (and who will appreciate the wisdom you've gotten from where you've been.) Both your roommate and your sister really don't know what they're talking about.
Of course it should be important to you. And that was a stupid thing for them to say. But I get it. Hell, I play the same nasty mental games on myself. I am sure people would be surprised to understand how healthily we eat (despite our size) and how much we exercise (again, despite our size). People don't expect us to be fit and healthy. But, they don't understand it's a process. Hell, a beautiful butterfly starts off as an ugly old caterpillar. Of course she's going to seek another butterfly. But, when you're a caterpillar, people think you're aiming out of your league. :(
ReplyDeleteI wasn't skinny when my husband and I got together and him being healthy was a must even though I wasn't (yeah I know that sounds dumb). I didn't want to be with someone who was unhealthy (hypocritical I know) I am horribly unhealthy (trying to change that) my husband is totally fit... hockey player.... sadly I am not his trophy wife any longer... I am heading that way again! I don’t think any of your wants are unreasonable, and I surly don’t thinking wanting a companion to be healthy is crazy to ask. You are getting healthy!
ReplyDeleteI don’t think people would think you were insane if you were to approach it in the right way! “I am working hard to lose weight and become a healthier person. I would like to have someone in my life who thinks the same way and lives a healthy life. This is not a diet for me, but a lifestyle change meaning I want someone who lives a healthy lifestyle and is on board and will support me!