Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of you, I hope it is a very blessed holiday for your and your families.  I will be driving to North Dakota (11 hour drive one way) tomorrow to spend the holiday with my sister.  I will be back next Tuesday for a couple of days, then hosting a New Year's Weekend with my nieces and nephews.  It should be a good time and I will skip the booze.  I will try to skip most of the yummy goodies my nieces enjoy baking, but will teach them a few new things. 

Celebrate the holiday, the blessings, the family and love.  Take care.

I've been way behind on reading blogs, but hope to catch up in January, I'm keeping up the best I can.  Work is a bear, but should calm down by mid-January.  All is well here.  I am very happy, 2011 has been one of my best years ever.  2012 will be just as good, I feel so blessed and so loved.  You have all been amazing support and inspiration, thank you.  Will probably update briefly mid-week before the New Year comes around.  Keep to a solid plan for the big Christmas dinners - take in the laughter and love vs. the butter and sugar..... ;)  Be well, lovelies!

Goal Jeans Idea

I had my goals jeans hanging on my fridge on a hanger, they are still there.  I tried them on this morning, they button- but wow, hello spare tire!  They will take another 15-20 pounds I think, which is what I originally thought.  The fact that they button is a small miracle, they were about 4 inches away from the button and the opening even reaching each other.  SO, anyhow!  When I tried them on this morning, I put my hands in the pockets to feel the fit of them (very tight).... there was a $50 bill in them.  I was like, what the?!  I was standing in the kitchen trying them on and staring all confused at the money and James walks out of the bathroom from being in the shower, laughed and said - "surprise!".  I said, "what, you're responsible for this money?".  He said, "Instead of being a tooth fairy, it's like a skinny fairy.  I figured when you fit the jeans the way you want, you can go get your nails done or something to complete the sexy look".  What a great idea!  Who would have thought to stash money in the pockets of jeans you don't fit? 

He said he put the money in there in the first couple days we met, after asking why on earth there were jeans hanging on the fridge.  I never thought about it, because I've always been doing this for ME... but knowing that I have a gorgeous man picturing me in my super cute goal jeans makes me want to get there even more.  Especially now that he's seen me in them with belly bursting everywhere, yikes.  I need to erase that image from his mind.  I have the $50 tucked back into the tiny little pocket on the jeans.  Very cool! 

I don't recall the exact conversation about the jeans, but he said he asked why they were there because it was odd and didn't I have a closet in the house....... He said that I said, "They're there because I'm a major fat ass, but not for much longer.  I'm going to fit them, soon".  He told me that I say stuff like that about once a week and he is starting to like it less and less because he likes me more and more.  Uh, reality check.  Negative self talk is not attractive.  Working on it.......

NSV - Compliment

I saw a friend that I hadn't seen since early summer.  She gave me a hug and then said, "Oh my gosh, you're TINY!!!" and was staring at me.  Hahahaha, tiny?  Yes, I am 253 pounds of TINY!  :)  She gave me another hug and said, "Your tummy is way different and you look so good it's crazy".  I will gladly take a compliment about my 'tummy', it's just so freakin' big and I swear it's the only thing not shrinking, but I guess other people think it is.  I am sitting at my desk at work, I just glanced down and maybe it is smaller.  I have more of a lap now, before my thighs were just covered with my roll-age, now I do have more lap.  Less boobies, more lap.  Fair enough trade, I guess.

I'm two pounds away from 60 pounds lost..... that is hard for me to believe.  I thought 50 was all I would get to, I kept going back to 261 over and over.... now that seems so far behind me.  I got my mind right and my game face back on and it feels good.  This is the one thing I've never been able to succeed at... weight loss.  It's different this time.  I am different this time, I'm stronger and I have more days that I believe in myself than I ever did before.  It's kind of amazing.  :)

WI

Last week: 255
Today: 253

It is what it is and I am happy to see a loss.  Still inching my ways to the 240's, I am very excited about that!  I ate Chinese food, I feel really bloated and puffy.  Feels yucky actually.

I was on target with all goals: 30 day shred continues, water is constant, calories have run a little high (1450 average) which shows the small loss (eating more meat than usual), went for walks a couple times this week, ordered a new DVD for home workout....

I still need to get my exercise bike ordered.  Will do that this week as I have found the one I want, that's half the battle is reading all the reviews that are out there.  That was a monthly goal, and the month is coming to an end.

My plan for Christmas is to stick to turkey and veggies, a little dressing/stuffing because I love it.  I don't really LOVE mashed potatoes, gravy or green bean casserole so why waste my time.  I also plan to make a sugar free jello dessert with bananas, walnuts and cool whip free.  I know that way I will have an option.  Water will be constant, and a LOT. 

New Year's Eve will probably give me more trouble than Christmas.  The variety of snacks and appetizers, that I really enjoy, will be on tables everywhere.  Not to mention the booze.  I need to make a good plan for that too. 

Thanks for the comments on the James/gambling thing.  I will be talking with him about it soon, I have dropped a couple little hints, but have never pushed the issue.  I just despise gambling, I fear it so much.  I hate compulsive gambling.  Other than that, really we are doing super awesome.  He weatherized my house which will save me in my energy bill, as well as just make my house more comfortable.  He's a good guy.  I adore him and spending time with him is like... home to me.  What is meant to be will be.....  

This week is wicked and... a meltdown.

I'm so busy and so sick of writing reports and budgets, I might just cut myself tonight for FUN.  It will all be over soon!  I weighed in at 253 this morning, which is 2 pounds down since Sunday.  I haven't been eating much, I run on coffee and deadlines.  That is the motto of my life and never more true than this week.

Yesterday was my first day to get to eat sugar.  I had a small piece of caramel apple walnut pie.  It was  heaven, but then I was like - what a waste of calories.  I picked the walnuts off the top and just ate some of the filling.  It was ridiculously sweet.  Maybe overload after no sugar for 10 days. 

My friend brought blueberry cake donuts to work the other day.  Do you have any idea how much I love them?  I said, "just let me lick one", she said 'Are you completely in-fucking-sane?" Me - 'Come on, gimme some of that!'....... I did it.  Yeah, I'm disturbed like that.  She's the insane one, she totally ate the one I licked.  I came in my office and soaked my hands in "Blueberry cake donut" antibacertial hand gel from Bath and Body Works to get all the sin of sugar off me.  I wanted to inhale it, I can't believe I licked a freakin' donut? 

I skipped the Shred yesterday for the first tine in December, because I was exhausted.  I am going to do it double one day this weekend.  Level 2 is so weird.  That little Jillian can kiss my ass.  I was cursing her out the other day, "Yeah, real easy for you - you anorexic whore!!!".  I have lost my mind this week, ok?  It's official.

James, yeah turns out I'm about to go off the deep end.... you've been warned:  We talked about Christmas presents, we decided to exchange and he said we should set a price limit of $25.  What?  Is that normal?  I've never done that with a boyfriend and I find it strange.  I know what he wants and it costs $90, I want to just get it because it wouldn't be a problem for me.  However, he set the limit so I guess I have to follow it?  I'm irritated by the whole thing and I don't know why. 

Ok, I think I know why I'm annoyed.  James gambles.  He sits at blackjack tables and slot machines like its nobody's business.  He goes to the bar after work with the guys to have a drink and play video lottery.  He probably spends about $100-150 a day there, no joke (or at the local casino, wherever they decide to go).  It allows me time when I get off work to get the stuff done I need to like free gym or tanning or tidying up the house.  Then he comes over, we watch a movie... sometimes he eats dinner with me, sometimes not.  He always invites me to go with them, but I usually only do one time every other week.  On days when I am not going to the gym or can be done with other errands early, he will come over right after work.  Our schedule clicks.  I like it.  However, the gambling.... I despise.

I hate compulsive gambling.  It is part of what destroyed  my family while growing up.  I think all people who gamble that much are bad people.  I know he pays his bills, takes care of his daughter and even has some tucked away in savings.  I can't help but think that one day that will all be gone, his baby girl will have no electricity or food because he gambled it all away.  In 20 years, he will abandon his daughter and family (yikes, what if it was me....) on Christmas or birthdays, because he will be glued to a slot machine in some dark alley.  He will lie, steal, forge checks and prostitute himself out for gambling money or to recover losses to buy necessities like food.  I'm just sure of it, because that's what happens when you gamble.

But, lets be sure to set a firm limit of $25 for Christmas presents.  Yeah.  Awesome.  If he was shooting heroin once a week, I wouldn't be as nervous as I am about him gambling.  Gambling destroys, thats what it does because that's my experience.  I have told him I'm going to Vegas for my 30th birthday, he hasn't ever gone.  He said, "If I go to Vegas, I know I'll come back in a body bag because I'll gamble and party every penny I have until I collapse in an alley.  I'll gamble 24 hours a day and lose track of time, date, month, year, and myself".  He thinks it was funny.  I found it terrifying.  I haven't invited him to Vegas and when he brings it up, I have changed the subject twice.  I love Vegas.  I gambled $40 total the whole 5 days I was there last time.  I go for the shows, drinks, entertainment, party, clubs, etc..  I don't want him to come and ruin it for me by sitting at a machine the whole time.  Stay your ass home then, James.  You can gamble here.  Ugh.

Should I be that freaked out by it?  It doesn't really have that much of an impact on me.  If we were real serious or living together, yeah.  But we met a few weeks ago and yeah it's great, but I'm not looking to marry the guy (or am I?).  Fuck, I don't know.  Why does he have to be so rad in every way... but be a gambling addict.  It's like the one thing I hate and fear most.

WI and Weekly Goals

2 weeks ago: 257
Today: 255

What the fizzle?  I've been killin' it for 2 weeks and I lose 2 lousy pounds?!  Eek.  I know there's more to success than the number on the scale, but 1 pound a week when I've been doing the Shred, walking about 45 minutes a day, back at the free gym, no sweets for the last week, no white flour for the last week.... bla.  Buzz kill! 

I moved the scale to three different places thinking it was wrong.  I found the *Sweet Spot* on my bathroom floor, where it said I had weighed 252, haha.  But, 255 came up the other 5 times I stepped on it... so I guess that's what it is.

This Week's Goals:
1. Free gym Monday, Wednesday (another hella busy week at work.... it's killin me)

2. Water: 90 ounces a day.  Non-negotiable.  Ok, maybe some unsweetened herbal iced tea will count too.

3. No White Flour, starches this week

4. 10 Day No Sweets challenge continues. The first day I can have sweets is Thursday.  I am hosting a happy hour at my house that day, but I think I'll stick with the fruit offerings vs. dessert.  We love to have wine and cookies - sugar overload!

5. Alcohol only 1 time this week, that will obviously be scheduled for Thursday.  I've really been drinking a lot lately, like every other day.  Hey, I wonder where the wasted calories are going... not to mention drinking water the next day because I'm dehydrated from the booze vs. just staying hydrated all the time.  The other problem is, I've been drinking a LOT of alcohol each time I drink.  I am pretty sure I blacked out one night last week, I don't remember finishing the night or going to bed.  I haven't done that in a long time (Vegas doesn't count).  Scary.

6. 30 Day shred continues.  I start Level 2 today! 

7. Make 1 new recipe out of one of my many low-cal, low-carb, healthy cooking... type cookbooks.  They're just collecting dust.  I like to get my faves memorized, then pass them on to a friend.  I need to come up with some ideas for holiday get-togethers that are coming up.  I can't show up with broccoli salad every time I go somewhere.  :)

I think that covers the biggies and what I can work into my schedule this week.  Work is kicking my ass, but the tables are turning.  I hope to have my reports done this Friday, which will be wonderful.  One is due at the end of the month, the other isn't due until the end of January.... I'm going to wrap both up this week, sick of wasting my brain on it.

The other night, this song came up on my stereo which was on Shuffle with my Ipod (thousands of songs, but this one was perfect).... I grabbed James and we danced in my living room.  The boy has skills!! :)  It is Ooh La La by Goldfrapp. 

General Update

Goals:10 days of no sweets - This started on Monday.  I'm doing well with it, I wanted to chew my arm off the other night, I had a wicked chocolate craving.  Today, another Director brought homemade cinnamon rolls with icing.  That was torture.

Water - On point! 

30 Day Shred - I'm killin' it!  I started on the 1st, so I'm still on Level 1 - but not for long.  I forgot how good it hurts. 

Food - I'm so sick of food.  Sick of planning, chopping, measuring, bla, bla, bla.  Ever feel that way?  I still haven't been tracking, because I suck.

Life in General:
I realized I did not weigh in this week.  Eh, whatev.  I'll do it on Sunday or Monday and post.

My job still rocks, I am actually in a SUPER busy 6 week stretch.  So, I'm also more quiet these days.  Don't worry, I'm soon to be back to full time slackin' here.  ;)  My end of the year reports and data are coming out on point and I think my federal reps will be very happy.  I really kind of kick ass, in case you didn't know. 

    James is fuckin' amazing.  We spend 3 or 4 nights of the week together.  I put up my tree and when he came over, we finished decorating it.  He came over last night wearing a hat with a mistletoe on it, he is such a goob it's ridiculous.  His company Christmas party is tomorrow in a town 3 hours away and he had already asked his sister to go with him, which I find to be so sweet.  His sis is recently divorced and a single Mom of 3 kids.  She never gets to do anything, what a nice brother, huh? 
    I do want the exercise bike soon, so I can get up at 5 and do that for about 20 minutes or so to start my day.  I used to do the Shred in the morning, but I'm not about to do that when James is there.  Poor guy will think an earthquake struck South Dakota.  He doesn't get up until he has to, very last minute.  It annoys the crap out of me, but then I get butterflies thinking there's a dreamy man in my bed while I'm minding my business making coffee and putting my make-up on.  He rolls out of bed in time to shower, dress, have 1 cup of coffee and head out the door.  He does scrape the frost off my windows and heat up my car for me, which is so sweet.  It's the kind, loving little things that make me melt into a puddle over him and he's full of 'em. 
     I am blessed that he came when he did, because I needed a reminder that life can be good and I can be happy and loved.  I tell him stuff like that, but try not to get too crazy sounding so I don't scare him. LOL

Any thoughts on this:
I saw an old friend of mine yesterday.  I would say she probably weighed more than I started at (311).  She was probably around 340.  I saw her yesterday and she looked like she had lost a bunch of weight, so we talked about it.  She said, yeah I lost 37 pounds in 3 weeks with the book "The 17 Day Diet".  I've read about it, but never really looked into it.  She said you just follow some list of foods.  She said she did it in September and hasn't lost any more, but hasn't gained any back.  She is going to go back on it in hopes of losing another 15 pounds before Christmas.  Hmm....

Little Changes

It's the little things that add up, that keep you moving, that help you cut back on calories.....

1. I park at the very end of the parking lot, no matter where I'm at.  Walmart, work, grocery store, etc..  Your car doesn't get hit by some jackass parking two inches away from you and ramming their door into your car and you get some extra steps.  You're going to walk when you get in the store, so what's the big deal about parking right in front of the door?  I've always found that strange.

2. I have now finally switched to Torani sugar free syrup and 1 little 'mini-moos' half and half containers.  I used to use creamer, two tbsp for about 60 cals.  I buy boxes of mini-moos, which is more costly; but the result is worth it.  My taste buds have changed gradually and I don't need that much cream in my coffee.  My goal is to get to a splash of milk and a a little of the sugar free vanilla syrup.  The mini-moos are 10 calories, the syrup is 0.  I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day, which was costing me so many calories (over 200 for creamer alone).  Now, it's reduced greatly and I still get my caffeine for about 60 cals total (coffee, creamer, syrup).  Crazy to think of how much I was having before just to get the darn cream!

3. I don't buy '100 calorie packs' or other gimmicky, processed crap.  I make my own snack packs.  I spend Sundays cutting, washing and prepping fruits and veggies.  I keep a large salad bowl in my fridge and grab out my own little '100 calorie packs' which are sandwich bags filled with fruit or cut of veggies.  I don't put them in the crisper drawer - it isn't "out of sight, out of mind".  They're right in front of me, they're colorful and they're ready to go.  I also make little packages of a few cubes of cheese and summer sausage ready to go to change it up and have a salty snack if the mood strikes.

4. I've learned some of my favorite low cal recipes that are easy to make and keep at a barbecue or party.  I make a great broccoli salad and a fabulous spinach/strawberry/walnut salad.  If the options are mostly calorie-laden, I know I can fill up on the dishes I contributed to the get-together and just taste or skip the others.  (Potato salad is the biggest challenge, I love it and everyone here seems to prepare it so well!)

5. I set mini challenges for myself weekly.  This week, I am not carrying my credit or debit cards.  That means no spur of the moment trips to get a snack or coffee refill.  I have to go home or eat what I have here (or drink the office-prepared coffee which tastes like motor oil).  My bank account also stays a little more happy.

6. I used to keep a 32 ounce water bottle on my desk and refill it 2-3 times a day.  I now have one of them nifty double walled 16 ounce cups with a straw.  I go to the water cooler more often, I move around more.  The constant sight of me walking down the hall to get more water has inspired others to up their water intake.  Sometimes I think it's guilt that they know I'm doing something healthy and they don't want to look like a jackass.  Inspiration in any form is a good thing.  When I go places or to visit friends, I always have my red stainless steel water bottle with me.  Always.  It's as common and necessary as carrying my cell phone or house key - I need it.  Solid habit!

7. I seek to share my healthy habits here and in my life with the people I know and love.  I am a holiday baker, I usually make ten different types of cookies, some dipped pretzels with pretty sprinkles, chocolate-peanut clusters, toffee... ugh the list goes on and on.  I have decided this year I'm not doing that.  I am going to do fruit baskets instead!  They cost more, but the 'good' news is that I don't have many friends or know many people here (yet).  In Kansas, I used to make about 20 goodie plates, here I think I have my list narrowed down to about 7-8 people to gift with a fruit basket.  It's worth the gesture, cost and sharing the benefits and example of healthy habits and fresh fruit!

   I used to keep a candy dish on my desk.  I have a lot of random visitors at work, I have removed the candy dish and now have two fruit bowls.  One I keep on my bookshelf behind my desk with the select pieces of fruit in it, the other is on the center of my desk.  People come in and get fruit or ask for a piece all the time.  I started just this morning with 3 oranges and 1 pear, it is only 10am and I only have 1 orange left.  I tell people to buy their own fruit bowl and fill it each week, it keeps you more full than a candy bar and isn't a waste of calories, it won't put you in a sugar fog, fiber is our friend, etc. etc. etc..  I haven't seen any one with their own fruit yet, but they can keep eating mine until they realize how awesome and simple of a change it is.

These are some examples of how I have cut calories, changed my taste buds to more healthy choices, move more and inspire others.  They have added up to me and are part of that 'healthy lifestyle' thing we all talk about.  What are some of the small changes you've made that have been helpful?

Random!

I don't have much to say today.  Just a couple pics I like and a song that I inspires me to push a little harder.  Day 1 of the 30 Day shred is in the books.  I found an exercise bike to order online.  The most difficult self-challenge this month will be no treats (sugar, cookies, cake, cupcakes, pie, donuts, ahhhh) for 10 days. 

Oh, get this.  I went to google the other day and I was going to search for a "30 before 30 books list" for recommendations on what to read for my 100 books challenge I have.  I typed in "30 before 30" and google popped up with "30 Before 30 miss april" because it is a common search term?  What the fuck?  I thought for sure it was because it was in my history, so I deleted all my history then did it again and up comes the recommended search term "30 Before 30 miss april" again.  Just to check again, I typed it in on another person's work computer because I am certain that my blog has never been viewed on it and yup, Google came up with it again.  First is 30 before 30 ideas, 30 before 30 books, then 30 before 30 miss april.  I check my stats, but haven't been lately.  I've watched it for a couple days and Google is a referring site for about 35 hits a day.  Um, if you're going to search it every day, just book mark the address or follow the blog, Weirdos. 

I will end this random post by saying, I wish I was in Vegas.... again. 

April, Lisa

Sin City, we shall meet again.  I think our dates for my Vegas birthday debauchery are set for April 19-23.  I wouldn't mind just doing Apri 20-23.  3 nights in Vegas in plenty, 4 gets rather painful... but it hurts so good!  We'll see how it pans out.  The Dirty 30, Sin City Style. 

December Goals

This Month's Self - Challenges.  Feel free to join!  :)

1. I'm going to do the 30 Day Shred, again.... starting today.  It's a solid workout and it doesn't take forever, but it does yield results. 

Level 1: Dec 1 - Dec 10
Level 2: Dec 11- Dec 20
Level 3: Dec 21 - Dec 30

I will finish the year 2011 strong.  Why not?  This will be in addition to walking and visits to the gym.

2. No sweets for 10 days.  The dates will be Dec 5-14.  I can do 10 days, that will be trying during this time of the year.  I am also a holiday baker, so I like to taste the cookies and treats I give out to people.  I finally got in the holiday spirit and started baking last weekend.  I love it, very relaxing to me and the house always smells delish!  Ten days with no sugar, eek!  I can do it and I believe in myself, so I've already won half the battle before it even starts.  :)

3. Buy an exercise bike for home.  I have been dragging my feet on this.  I have read the reviews, etc..  Any suggestions would be helpful.  I just need something in my home other than DVDs for working out.  A go-to for cardio or warming up in the mornings would be nice.